Food Issues

[sbeardslee]

My son has been sneaking/hoarding food for several years now, and I have only understood why for the past 8 months. I have been very patient and understanding about it, even though it is driving me insane. When I have found the wrappings etc, (he usually eats it all). I have just said, "You must have been hungry!" and then later reminded him that he would always have enough to eat in this house. I have asked him to come to me when he feels hungry and I will get him something. Most of his "sneaking" comes when I am in bed. I used to think it was opportunity, but now I think it is because he is stressed....he has told me that when I am sleeping he is worried that I am going to die. I have tried giving him a backpack full of food that he can have whenever he wants. I told him to let me know when it was running low and I would refill it. He ate it all, I refilled it, and he ate it again, and was still coming downstairs to sneak food in the morning. I usually rest/read/take a huge nap (whichever is needed) when my little one goes down for a nap. I always spend time with my older son at the beginning of nap time and give him a snack before I go to my room. No matter how much I give him, it isn't enough. He will eat his snack and come back for more. I have stopped buying some of the things so they aren't a tempation (chips, etc that we only had occasionally anyway), but then he takes the peanut butter jar or a block of cheese. I have calmly explained that crumbs etc can attract ants and rodents, and asked him again to please tell me when he needs food. I have left him notes in the refrigerator telling him the same thing. Nothing has helped. We have been working on this issue with EMDR and although it seemed to be better for awhile it is back in full force. I am guessing that some things are being stirred up with the start of neuro reorg a month ago. I am at my wits end with this. In the last two days he has taken (and eaten) a half of a tub of ice cream, and two partial blocks of cheese. This morning he also made some concoction with cinnamon and sugar that I haven't quite figured out yet. I cannot afford to continue just buying more groceries to replace what he has taken. I have not created consequences for this, but today I had planned to take the kids out for lunch, and when I discovered another block of cheese gone I said that we would have to eat at home b/c I had to use the money to buy cheese. I did not yell or make a big deal out of it, but I just stated it as a fact. I am seriously considering buying a motion sensor alarm to install on the stairway. I mentioned this to him and said it was because my younger son snuck downstairs and out the door one day. He immediately said, "and I won't be able to steal food anymore either." I know this isn't very BCLC, but I really don't know what else to do. I have to go grocery shopping every few days as it is b/c if it's here he will eat it. I welcome any thoughts or suggestions!
Thanks,
Shari

[greenbeanbanshee]

Aahh, Shari. This is hard, isn't it. I know for me, when my son is having food issues it really hits me somewhere deep. And honestly, I still don't know why. I guess for me it's the feeling that I still can't fulfill his needs. It's like I just want to scream that he's ungrateful and then break down in tears. :(

We have managed to curb most of these behaviors at my house. But none of the suggestions really helped. Like the backpack of food and access to healthy snacks. We did alarms on doors. And I watched him like a hawk. Really none of that spoke to what was going on underneath the problem.

My son was just in a fear state and was using food to regulate himself. What I came to recognize for my son was that this behavior really had little to do with food. So it wasn't about the food. Food gives a great rush of glucose and helps one feel regulated, but deep down, I realized that his dysregulation came more from his overall sense of overwhelm. He was just overly sensitive to almost everything. He felt threatened by everything.

So what I had to do was to stop focusing on the food. If he stole food and we ran out, then so be it. We'd eat soup until I could go to the store again. And yes, that doesn't seem "fair" and yes, it stirs up my own fears in a big, big way. But in the end, I realized that the overall picture was much bigger than a block (or fifty) of cheese. I had to work on building that relationship with him. I HAD to. Or I would just be running these security measures forever.

So it goes back to every time this happens, asking yourself "what can I do to strengthen the relationship right now" and not "how can I stop his behavior fastest". It's all about that relationship, Shari. Remember that.

But I also want you to know that all your fears and the annoyance of this is very real. I am not trying to minimize it at all! I lived this way for years and I know what it's like to constantly fight these battles. It's exhausting. And you have a lot on your plate right now. You do. So do something for you. Try to open up your own window of stress tolerance. Talk to a friend who "gets it". Keep writing here and putting words to it all. Let the people you trust support you. You need that. And your boys need you to get that support.

Hang in there, Shari. You're doing great! This is hard work and you've gone above and beyond in the last couple of weeks. We love you, Shari. I hope you can feel that. :hug

Your long lost cousin,
Bethany
:D

[booboo]

We recently discovered that providing food is a primary love language for my son. I no longer tell him to prepare his own food but I have taken over and offered to get him food when he needs it. He especially likes me to prepare food for him just before bed or right after dinner dishes are done. Of course, when I am at my low point of the day. If I make him just what he wants and just the right way he really does feel the love! It is a great bond for us. However, I feel used-up at times. Especially in the morning when he wants some sort of special egg dish and I am trying to get out the door. Somehow, I have managed to provide this need to him. However, at times I feel resentful beyond belief! Which I imagine, Shari,it is similiar to,"oh no, now there is NO food in the house". Keep your chin up we're with ya!!!! I also appreciate the comment from Bethany about focusing on the relationship, right now. I need to do that more. Ann:heart