Mom's and feeling of failure

[bakersdozen]

I have struggled with implementing this paragim for 2 years now. Just need to hear from others that was on their last rope and things got better.

Mary Hefty,
mom to 13 blessings

[Lianne]

:hug bumping this for you

[greenbeanbanshee]

Aaww, Mary. I'm sorry you are feeling this way. That place of feeling like a failure. Especially after putting in so much effort, and for so long. I know that feeling all too well.

As you may or may not know, my son and I went round and round for YEARS in a very negative cycle of resentment and disconnection. I was trying my hardest to be the mother I thought he needed. I wasn't sleeping well or eating well. I went to bed every night anxious about what the next day would hold for us. It was terrible.

And now, looking back, I see it all so clearly. What my son needed in those times was for me to connect to him. But I couldn't. I was too hurt myself. The community I was in offered little understanding. Nobody seemed to realize how hard I was trying. I heard many people say, "Just give him time" or that I was "over dramatizing it". And when people said things like that I really had to shove down all my feelings and virtually disconnect from myself...I HAD to. To survive it. But by doing that, I had to disconnect from my son, too. The opposite of what he needed. Of what I needed. Sigh.

I think what changed it for me was finding place like these forums. Talking to other moms just like you and I and Lianne. People who aren't afraid to jump in there and say, "No, it's not your fault. You are doing the BEST that you can do!" I needed that. It wasn't until I felt that support, that unconditional acceptance, that I was finally able to progress in this paradigm. Because, how can I give my kid something that I literally have never had? I couldn't.

So keep writing on here. Keep reaching out. Allow us to support you. Put your experiences into words as best you can and just feel all those feelings. By allowing yourself to do that, you will begin to move forward. Because once you have that "blueprint" for that kind of connection, you will then be able to pass it on to your kiddos.

And finally, let me just say, one more time, that I am so sorry you are feeling this way. It hurts. I know it does. I could cry just typing that. Because I truly know the feeling. In many ways, I am feeling it right now in my own life, too. Like no matter what I do, it's just never enough. That frustration of just needing to know what is it that I am missing here!!??

But you're not "missing" anything. You are doing everything just right. Keep taking advantage of the resources out there. Get some one on one phone coaching if you need to. Sometimes that's just the thing that helps us propel into a new way of parenting.

I have followed your posts on DPR for years. I know you're a good mother. Never doubt that. Trust your gut. All the answers are inside of you.

:heart

~Bethany

[greenbeanbanshee]

And as an after thought to what I wrote earlier -- I had to emotionally recognize that this feeling of failure was EXACTLY what my son was feeling too. Exactly.

So again, if I am feeling this way, and feeling stuck there, how can I help somebody else get out of it? I can't. That's why I recommended phone coaching. Or taking a level 2 class from CP. There is a huge group of level 2er's on here who refuse to quit their class because through it they are actually seeing their lives change. It's about that connection! It's about finding the blueprint we need! That's what I had to do. And that's why I hammer down in the Level 1 classes about how important support is. We cannot do this kind of parenting alone. We can't. Or else the whole world would be doing it. It's just not that easy. We need to stick with people who can unconditionally support us through it, no matter where we are along our own journey. It looks different for each of us.

Ok, I'm done....for now.... :) I just keep thinking about you. I want you to know it will get better. It will.

~Bethany

[jkanderson]

Mary
so sorry to hear that you are in a rough season. I think we've all been there. This past weekend i had a very rough time with my son on a plane ride and felt like the biggest failure as a mom. Everything i knew about the stress model and regulatory parenting went right out the window!!!! For some reason he just kept crying and crying and crying (hes just shy of 2). I got up and went to the back of the plane to try to rock him and soothe him. That didn't work. I tried every toy, snack, and distraction i could think of. Nothing worked. I felt my stress level going up and knew i was becoming dysregulated, but i didn't know what to do. I was trapped and so was he. I completely lost it with him. I yelled at him 2 different times and just wanted to get away. I was so embarrassed due to his screaming and so overwhelmed at being in a confined space and not being able to calm him down that i totally missed out on trying to be there for him. I felt horribel! However, there is always time for repair. I spent some time holding him later that night and trying to put some words on his feelings and he was able to process it on his toddler level and get a lot of crying and screaming out. We will never be perfect for our kids, and can only do our best. Part of attachment is also repair, so take advantage of those moments too. And equally important, as Bethany said, reach out to others who share your same parenting model, it makes a big difference to not feel like a lone ranger

[SuzyJones]

I think it's just natural that parents pass through that experience/feeling. And I'm really sorry, you're into that situation. I'm sure things will going fine and better. Just don't forget to pray always. :)

[Rebecca]

Hi Mary,

I'm sorry to hear that you're having a rough time right now. We've all been there, wondering if there is something else we can do or if there is something we're doing wrong. I have been on the end of my rope. I was there for years. But like Bethany said, it takes a community of support to shift your thinking. A community of support of like minded people who do understand what it is like to be in that place. I'm glad to see you reaching out here to get support. It truly is critical.

Know that you are not alone. And know that this too shall pass. Support is essential and made the difference for me. Things aren't perfect in my house, but we are light years from where we once were.

Hang in there. Keep posting. Lots of others understand this place. Keep supporting one another. That's how we all move forward.

Blessings,

[vsbieber]

Hi! This past week on Monday the Loved Based Parenting style went out the window for me. I was like gee what happened to me. We have been doing this for 3 years. Yes, I messed up as a Mom. I said something not right with out even thinking and my teenage son went Crazy and I forgot to Breathe.
A lot of good came from it. My son recognized that when were are both dysregulated that we argue. This was huge for him and me. I could see fear in my son from what I had done too. Once things were calm. Things got better, even the next day. Positive energy takes pratice and pratice and pratice.
Know that you are not alone in Parenting.
VirLinda