Daddy preference

[emilygracemom]

How do I handle the daddy preference? It seems that no matter what I do during the day or how much I connect with her during the day she stills prefers dad STRONGLY over me when he is home. She ONLY wants dad to help her do everything. Even when he is not home she will tell me to go away and not to touch her at times. She has bonded to dad but not to me as much. She has always had the daddy preference. She wants to be like daddy and dress like him and play with boy toys and wear boy clothes and pretend to shave like him. She imitates him but not me.

It use to really bother me and I would react to her when she would push me away. I have worked through those feelings of rejection and can trace them back to why I was being triggered. Even though I have worked through those feelings it is still hurtful to have your own daughter reject you. She will crawl up in the lap of one of my mom friends but not allow me to pick her up or sit in my lap when they are around.

We can play and have a good time when others are not around but as soon as Daddy or one of my friends comes over she rejects me again and wants nothing to do with me and won't come to me for help. It is as if she doesn't trust me sometimes but I don't know why.

We use to be in a vicious cycle of she pushes me to the brink and won't stop doing whatever and then I would blow up at her. We are no longer in that cycle but we do still have some negative feedback loops.

I know I still have some stuff I am working through. I am doing my best to show my daughter unconditional love, patience and so forth.

Is it ok to tell her how I feel? For instance, "You are hurting moms feelings when you do xyz? I have cried in front of her this week because I was so broken about our relationship and her reactions to me. She asked why I was crying and I told her that I loved her so much and I wanted us to have a close relationship like she has with daddy. I apologized to her and still do if I react to her instead of respond.

Part of me thinks she wants to be sure I am for real and that I am a changed mom before she gives her heart to me. There have been times in the past when she has preferred me over dad but not recently. We have told her she can love us both at the same time. She will say that she likes or loves dad but not me at times.

Emily is adopted from China and has been home for 3 years. She was in orphanage care and I KNOW she was deeply hurt and affected by her 9 months there. She is almost 4. She has anxious attachment and trust and control issues. I KNOW it is all fear based!

How should I handle the daddy preference? How should I respond? I need some help to refocus!

[Rebecca]

Hi Beth,

It can be really hard when your daughter is showing such a strong preference for daddy. Even though you are saying that you have worked through it, and I don't doubt that it is better, I'm sure you are still feeling rejected by this. It is okay to feel that (read good to feel that and acknowledge that) because it is there anyway. The only way to move past it is to move through it. Have you felt that way in the past? Chances are good that this is tapping into an old hurt that needs some additional exploration before you can move beyond this.

So, that's the first step to being able to make this different. You are acknowledging that you handled things differently in the past and that you are committed now to handling things in a more loving manner. Forgive yourself for how you may have handled things in the past and for any mistakes you are going to make. It is hard work changing your patterns, so just know you will not do it perfectly. Apologizing to her is a good part of this process.

She's going to need to learn to trust you and that is going to take time. Work on creating connection with her in any way that you can. Have special time with your daughter. Make a real effort to be accepting of her and to make your time together as positive as possible. Focus on being emotionally present with her. Think back to any relationships you may have had in the past where you felt really warm and happy when you were with someone else and use that as a model for the way to be around your daughter to create that connection.

The more that you push against your daughter's desire to be with daddy, even if you use no words to express it, she will hold tighter to that. When you can release it and accept that she is where she is, she will be able to move into a more connected relationship with you. You have the ability to do this.

I would spend more time talking to another adult about how you are feeling so that you can work through those feelings. She already knows how you feel. You may just want to take responsibility for those feelings and let her know that "mommy is having a hard time" or something like that. This is your stuff coming up, even though her behavior is triggering it.

Embrace the fact that she does have a connection with your husband. That is wonderful progress given her history. This means that she has the ability to connect with you. It will just take time.

Best wishes to you and please let us know how you are doing (or if you have any other questions about what I wrote).

[cpomponio]

Hi Beth –

This is Carol from Wilma’s classes. I read your post a couple of days ago and have been thinking about it a lot. I know how painful it is to be rejected, not trusted. If I was married, I’m sure I would have experienced the same. Our daughters sound so similar.

I struggle with the push / pull behaviors of my daughter. A while ago a therapist advised me that when my daughter disagreed with me, she was acting to put up a barrier btw us and that I should just focus on the connection and ignore the disagreement (very BCLC). For example, if I suggested it might help if she button her jacket so it doesn’t slip off when she runs, she (with attitude) says no it won’t, I would then agree “you’re right that was a silly idea, it won’t help at all.” Whatever it is, just agree, so that you are on the same side of the barrier – even if it were factually incorrect (a hard one for me to get!). It was really baffling for my daughter and she actually didn’t like it because than what did she have to push against? but it did work. And my daughter more often than not would then accept what I said originally. Anyway, I’m wondering what would happen if you joined your daughter in celebrating her relationship with her Dad and tried to allow it/encourage it but without the barrier – without the them-against-you feeling.

I wonder what if you celebrated with your daughter the fact that Daddy’s coming home, and acknowledged how wonderful it is to have him home, hug him, play with him, how much she misses him, etc. Maybe make a present together for him during the day, anticipating his arrival. Maybe when he’s home and she wants exclusive time with him, maybe allow them that time – acknowledge and accept it out loud - but continue to support them by, say, making brownies or something special that you all can share – not as if you are excluded from their time but that you need to go over “there” for a while and do something that celebrates their time together and then come back together and share whatever it is with them. Does that make sense?

I have no idea if it would work – but I am so sensitive to rejection from my daughter - and your post really struck a cord with me, I’ve been mulling it over for a couple of days.

The best to you.
Carol

[KidsRMe]

i have seen this before with my friends....but i feel maybe they will grow out of it...things change!