a 2.5 year old boy throwing everything

[nurinesa]

My brother's son who is 2.5 year old throws anything he finds in the house. Especially when guests come to the house. The other day I was in their house he started throwing the food the toys and mom did not do anything since her pediatrist gave her the advice of ignoring the behavior. He plays fine with me 20 month old daughter for 5 minutes, the he pushes her and smiles when she cries. I feel like he gets jealous of her although we make everything for him not to feel jealous. I find myself getting angry at him although he is only a baby. All I want to do run away from their house with my daughter.
Eveybody around says this is a passing stage. It is normal for a 2.5 to throw things and push a younger baby when feeling jealous. I do not really agree with that and in the meantime I do not know how to advice the mom (she asks me for advice) since all I feel is to protect my daughter from his pushes and throwings.

[Rebecca]

Dear Nurinesa,
I am sorry that I didn't see this post until just now! Sometimes that happens that I miss posts and I am so sorry that happened to you.

I'm not sure what has happened in the meantime, but I will definitely address your question. I'm going to address it from the perspective of what the mom needs to know. You can let her know. As far as you are concerned, your number one priority is keeping your child safe. If that means that you need to leave or try to do things in another way (meeting at a different location, for example, or keeping visits really short), that's what you need to do. You are getting that message inside for a reason, so don't discount it.

It is common for 2.5 year olds to push like that, but it is not "normal." At 2.5 or 3, children are really starting to feel the disconnection from their parents and start to act out against it. And most of the parenting advice out there (like the "ignore the behavior" suggestion given by the pediatrician) creates more disconnection. He is demanding attention and he is getting ignored. Obviously, we want our children to learn to ask for what they need in other ways. I guess it is like crying being a late sign of hunger. If we can see those early signs that our child needs us to connect with them, we can avoid the full-blown tantrum. But if we wait until the baby is crying, we're still going to need to feed the baby, right?

So, I would strongly suggest that the parents start by spending some time with the child where they aren't doing anything else, including thinking about other things that need to be done. (I suggest 10 minutes in the morning, 20 minutes after work, and 10 minutes before bedtime, though this can be adjusted to meet scheduling needs.) This is what it means to be fully present. Do things that he wants to do. He is needing attention and this need must be met. The behaviors get worse when other people come over because now he knows that his needs will not be met and he is going into the situation with an "empty love cup," as Pam Leo would call it. Before someone comes over, they need to spend extra time with him connecting so that he might be ready to share his parents with other people.

If he does start to behave in ways that are inappropriate, the parents need to move in closer to him and create safety for all the children. He probably will need to have a "time-in" where the boy is in very close proximity to a parent to help him calm down and make good choices. He is communicating with his behavior that he has too much space and is overwhelmed, so make his world smaller. It may mean that he needs to leave the room (with a parent). This is not a punishment (You are bad and you have to leave the room), but rather discipline (teaching him to calm himself down, reconnecting with the parents, and helping him to choose different actions).

If it is still too much for him, he just can't handle having company right now and the other people will need to go home. You can try it another day. If this happens, again, parents need to say, "I can tell that this is too much for you. I need to keep you safe right now and ask that our friends go home."

Move back into focusing on the relationship. Don't take his behavior personally. Just know that he is having a hard time and is attempting to communicate what he needs through his behavior, as all children (and sometimes adults, too) do. He needs to be taught what is ok and what is not through modeling. ("We are gentle with babies. They like this..." and demonstrate. "Throwing hurts, but it is fun to roll the ball like this.") He needs more parental involvement, not less.

I hope that answers your question. Again, I apologize that your question was missed. It was an important question and it wasn't intentional. If I ever miss a question that anyone asks, please post again and it should light up for me and others to see it.

Let me know if you have any additional questions about my answer and let me know how you're all doing.