no more breastfeeding

[nurinesa]

Hi everyone,

I am a single mom from Turkey. 10 days ago I stopped breastfeeding my 20 month old baby. We both loved the breastfeeding relationship. Every 2-3 hours she was nursing still. Sleeping started to be a big problem. She would nurse for hours, wake up a lot during the night. I tried to reduce the number of nursing, so I could stop soon. But it was creating too many cries. Maybe part of it was me since deep inside I knew I was not ready. Then one day, a day where she did not have her nap because she nursed for almost an hour I prayed and said pls. universe help me with this. Next day I got so sick that I had to take antibiotics. A friend who came help me had to put my daughter to sleep without my breasts for the first time. I told my girl that I was sick and she did not make a big fuss as if she understood.Somehow she made it without breast for the coming two days. I knew this was the sign. So we stopped. I went through my own grief process. I knew it was part of my own childhood as well. I cried for days.. She did well for a week at my friend's house. I came now to my mom's house (I am a single mom in the midst of moving to a new place). Now at nap and night times she does not want to sleep in the room although we are sleeping together in the same room. I put her to sleep in the balcony, sometimes in the sling anbd sometimes I drive around. Her crying triggers my own grief. I need help and advice on our sleeping pattern now. Shall I put her to sleep in the room and keep up with her cry or do eveything like I am doing by trying different sleep arrangements so she does not sleep. By teh way I am not sleeping at nights neither. I am awake until 4-5 in the morning. She wakes up a couple of times, says food, alo, mom, a couple of new words she learned and goes back to sleep.

Thanks

[Rebecca]

Hi Nurenesa,

It sounds like you have been having a hard time, especially since the weaning- though it sounds like you just weren't sure how to handle all the night wakings before that happened. It sounds like you are very connected to your baby and that is a very good thing.

My first question is this: did you really want to wean your baby right now? It sounds like you are both grieving this loss deeply right now and maybe it wasn't the right time. It sounds like she might be more of a high need baby and I'm sure that has felt draining on you. But a high need baby who is not breastfeeding is still a high need baby; you are just without one of your best tools.

My guess is that the sleep difficulties, both before weaning and after, are really a sign that she has difficulty regulating her body at night, which is common with "high need" babies. They need extra time to learn to regulate their nervous system, usually due to an early insult (prenatal stress, birth trauma, stressful experience after birth, just to name a few), though none may be obvious. Now that she is no longer breastfeeding, she is grieving that loss (and you along with her), and is probably feeling the disconnection from you on all levels deeply. You're upset and she is going to interpret that as being about her. Talk to her and let her know that you're sad, too.

At this point, only 10 days after weaning, you could still decide to breastfeed if that was what you want to do. It doesn't mean that you have to do that, but I wanted to just suggest that it was an option. From what you've written, it doesn't sound like either of you are really done.

But if you decide not to breastfeed, it is important that you allow yourself to fully grieve so that you have the space for her feelings about it. Right now, you don't and that's why you're crying when she cries. Once you have a little more space for her feelings, validate how sad she must be. Hold her as much as you can. If she doesn't want to be held, acknowledge how she must be feeling.

Stay as connected as possible to her during the night and respond to her as much as you can. She doesn't have words to describe her feelings about this and it is coming out through her behavior. She is also picking up on your own stress about this, which will also affect her sleeping patterns. Calm your own stress and your baby's stress will also come down. Keep everything as much the same as it was before you stopped breastfeeding as possible. Changes, which it sounds like there have been many in a very short period of time, make it more difficult for her at this point in her development.

Feel free to ask questions about anything that I wrote here and please let us know how you are doing. Sending lots of positive thoughts your direction right now, knowing that you have the very best intentions at heart for your precious baby.

[greenbeanbanshee]

I know this is hard for you. I nursed my babies until they were 3 and 4 and even then I was so sad when they began to wean. It was the loss of that intimate relationship that I felt nursing gave me. What I've learned since then is that the intimate relationship continues and you can meet needs with other tools. You can still cuddle and hold your baby against your chest like that or whatever else feels good to both of you.

But like Rebecca said in her reply, it sounds like nursing was a great tool for you and it's too bad that you've decided not to keep using it. If you want to try to go back to nursing, that would be fine. Especially right now. Because we now that moving can be one of the most stressful events in a young child's life and right now is when she probably needs that comfort of nursing the most.

As far as the night wakings, if you choose to not nurse your baby at those times, you might have to continue to sooth her in other ways until she can learn to fall back to sleep on her own. That can take some time. You can try cuddling her closely, rubbing her back, or something else that is comforting. But I want you to see that just stopping the breastfeeding might not stop her night wakings.

You mentioned that you recognize this has some connection to your own childhood. You are more than welcome to write more about that and see if it helps you with your grieving process a bit.

I'll be thinking of you.

~Bethany

[nurinesa]

Hi again,

I could not help myself and cried while I read your e-mails. Although I do not know any of you, I feel like you have seen and understood what I have been going through.
After hearing that I do have an option to go back to breastfeeding, I realized part of me is feeling guilty from the community pressure since after all these months hearing people to tell me to quit breastfeeding I did give up... This is another grief I am going through.
I do not want to go back to breastfeeding now since Irmak is doing well during the day. We cuttle and kiss each other a lot. She is so much into eating. I think it is passing state since she wants to eat something all the time. Thanks God she eats healthy, vegetable, fruit...
When we are ready to go to bed, I give her transition time. We brush our teeth, we say good night, we find the sling. But the minute we go to the room, or any room, she says 'atta' which means to go out. She loves the car seat. So I put her to the car, we drive around she falls sleep and put her to bed. When she wakes up a couple of times during the night, she cries a minute, somethimes she hugs me then she goes to sleep. This morning she did take my breast although there is no milk now. She played with it, put it into her mouth, said nice, caressed then she got up.
I guess from your e-mails she is going to need more time and I do need to go through my grief. I will talk to her about how sad I am as well.
Regarding my own childhood, I feel like my mom did not have room for my own feelings through the difficult emotions she was going. So, I never felt I have been seing or understood by her. I gues that's a trigger now. I do want my girl to go through that.
Thanks once more