What do you think about spoiling kids?

[PreciousHandprint]

I just want to hear your feedback on this... My parents really spoiled me as a child, and I don't feel like it negatively affected me or made me overly expectant of their help as an adult. I've never been a "mooch" on them, but as a child I almost always got whatever I wanted.

Now that I am pregnant, my husband and I are disagreeing about the "spoiling" issue. He thinks kids should not be spoiled at ALL and should have to work hard for everything we give them to truly appreciate it. I think it's ok to spoil kids to a certain extent as long as they don't become "spoiled rotten" as the phrase goes.

But what is too much spoiling? What is not enough? What do you all think about this issue? Just looking for some other viewpoints here. Thanks!

[greenbeanbanshee]

What do I think about spoiling kids? Hmmm....what a great question! It brings up so many issues.

I guess to start with I'd like to make a distinction between what kind of spoiling you are talking about. Because there is a difference between spoiling materially and spoiling emotionally.

I will speak to emotional spoiling, because that is often what spouses differ on in child rearing. For instance, should mama come running everytime the child whimpers? Daddy might say no, whereas mom can't help herself. She comes running when she hears her child in distress.

I think our society has put a lot of restrictions on feelings. And lots of categories on parenting. But I think when we strip it all away and just go with our gut, we would tend to fall more towards "spoiling" our children. If there were no rules, nobody watching, what would we do? We would come when our children call us? Instead of stopping to judge the cry, we would just respond. We would most likely let the kids sleep in bed with us when they wanted to snuggle close to our bodies at night. There would be nobody there to tell us otherwise. We would just respond to what our child needed. We would probably nurse longer and hold them more. We would probably keep them with us closer for longer and expect them to act like miniature adults less. And on and on and on.

I think that is a good rule of thumb to go by when we talk about "spoiling" children. If our society didn't exist, if there was nobody there to judge us or our parenting, what would we instinctively do? I think that is the real question.

[LindaR]

I don't think you can spoil a child with too much love or response to their needs.

I do think you can spoil a child with too much material things. I think there's whole generations of them out there who just expect everything to be handed to them on a silver platter.

[Mary Jo McHaney]

Yes, I agree!!

There is no such thing as "spoiling" a child. Children are 100% emotional beings. So we must respond to their emotional needs. And them more we are able to do this for them, they are then able to move into more rational thinking stages. How can that spoil? And if we are blessed with abundant resources, why wouldn't we want to bless them as well? If I am able to send my children to camp or provide music lessons, or whatever, I don't think it serves them to put "strings" on those blessings. Opportunites to teach our children responsibility and hard work will come naturally. We can offer them developmentally appropriate lessons to learn those values. All that said, I think your husband might be concerned about indulging. And I do think you two need to be on the same page regarding what that looks like. Is it indulging to give a 10 year old a cell phone? Is it indulging to allow your child to have a tv in his room? Is it indulging to give them a brand new car on their 16th birthday and not expect them to pay for the gas or insurance? All families may have different definitions on what constitutes indulgance. That is a conversation worth having!

Mary Jo

[Lianne]

Interesting topic :)

I think there is a balance, as with most things. Talking about the indulging aspect (thanks Mary Jo, that is the perfect word for it!) is really important, I think, b/c I do want to instill in my children that things are worth working for, and want them to be appreciative of what they have.

Growing up, my sister and I had everything we needed, but we didn't just get whatever we wanted all the time. I envision our family similarly, I guess. Sometimes my son can get something at the store, other times not, there are limits on what it can be, etc. I try not to make a big deal because I've learned that whatever you make a big deal of will become a big deal!

Another thing we were conscious of growing up was doing for and giving to others, and that is something I really want to set up with our family. At least a few different years we "adopted" a family in need and bought Christmas gifts for them, which was awesome. Even just going through our toys and clothes and donating them to somewhere was a good lesson, I think. I know some families who do that around birthdays and Christmas - the idea that when you bring in new things, you get rid of old things and pass them on to others who will love them.

So yeah, balance, for sure. I disagree that they should have to work hard for everything in order to appreciate it, and I think that can set up some serious resentment issues. Reminds me of my grandfather - his father was very tight with money, it was always a big deal to spend anything and he saved as much as he could, never letting them get anything or do anything much. He died and left his 2 sons a lot of money, and my grandpa was determined that finally that money was going to mean something fun and happy for him and his children/grandchildren. He was very generous and loved to share and that is something I'll never forget.

[Denise]

Pam Leo, author of connection parenting, addressed this very question in her discussion with Rebecca. If you haven't listened yet, I encourage you to do so. :)
Also, Pam's book is wonderful!

[dolphins]

And with that, I feel makes it hard at times for ALL parents. With that said, try and picture what is being said on here and picture having all eyes from agencies, offices, schools, SOCIETY full of eyes, whispers, and gossip that comes back to you...and such being a fill-in parent (non-bio or adoptive parent) and trying to be more than just a dedicated one….

Thanks for listening

[ursassygurl]

this is one issue i think i'll face soon..i am a spoiler when it comes to my nieces, now that i will be having a baby soon,i am worried i might spoil my kid. :(

[jen0608]

I don't want my kids to be spoiled, I want them to learn that they can't get everything they want.

[greenbeanbanshee]

Before I had kids of my own I was a professional nanny for some very wealthy families. My favorite family had two kids. A girl, 4, and a boy, 2 months. Well, I worked there for a while as I went to college part time. I was studying child development, so I felt really confident at that time about my ability to meet these kids' needs. I understood that their behaviors were communicating something and I listened to them.

The mother bought me a baby carrier to wear the baby, which was awesome. I loved it. I literally put him in that thing in the morning and didn't take him out until his mom got home. He got older and, yes, he got heavier, but I still carried him in it. It was mutually beneficial.

Then one day the mom came home and she sat me down and looked deep into my eyes. She called her husband in. They said, "Bethany, we know how much you love our kids. That's great. But all this spoiling of them has to stop. It's not good for them."

I believe my jaw was literally hanging open.

She continued, "For instance, when I come home, the baby expects me to hold him and carry him, and that is just not something I am able to do. Further more, he expects to sleep with me and to be soothed into sleep. " I had no reply. I just sat there dumb-founded. Then she said, "I want my babies to be independent, not needy, and we believe you are creating some unfortunate patterns. A mess that we will have to clean up." :eek:

5 months later, in tears, and utterly frustrated, I quit. I always wonder if that baby ever really got held again. :(

I think "spoiling" is all perspective. What kids need is for their needs to be met consistantly. It doesn't have to mean drowning them in material possessions, but it means loving them more than you think you are able. And according to that definition, I would hope we would all want to spoil our kids. They are just so little and it goes by so fast. You don't get to make it up later. You just sort of have today to make it right for them. :heart

~Bethany

[KidsRMe]

i think that it should be left up to the grandparents and such...cuz someone has to teach them the ways of life...tough or easy

[ketch18]

i give my kids whatever they want for as long as i can..but before giving it to them i want them to work fo it..for example if they want something, they have to be good at school and get high grades..so that they will think taht they should work hard for something that they want..:heart