Please help me!!! (long)

[ATHiker]

After our tele-parenting call on Monday, my son has had one of his most completely disregulated weeks EVER!! I spent more time picking him up off the floor and holding him than I ever have. He's being so.... TWO!!! No, no, no to everything, then crying when I don't give him what he just said "no" to. I am at a loss. I worry that holding him every time he has a fit just encourages him to have more fits. That it somehow implies that the behavior is fine. The "fits" I am referencing are complete face flops on the floor howling at the injustice of a recalcitrant sock, or the inability to watch 'Little Einsteins' all day. I hold him and give him words as he calms down. But what I'm seeing more of is this very fake "crying".... all the noise and drama, but no real emotion.

I just don't know what to do with him. It's like he wakes up disregulated and then stays that way all day. There's nothing I can do to help him reset. I can tell by the way he greets me in the morning what sort of day it's going to be. If I get a big "Hi MaMa!!" our day usually goes fairly well, with the normal amount of toddler drama. Nice days, they feel authentic. The "bad" days start with an immediate demand... Book!, Down Now!, and little/no eye contact. If I try to hold him quietly in the rocker and get things off on a better foot, he escalates into hysterics and screaming "Down Please!" over and over.

I remain calm, I keep smiling and breathing. I tell him I know it's hard to wake up grumpy, then we talk about the good things we're going to do that day, etc. Even if he turns around a little bit, his behavior all day is just... off. There's no better way to describe it. It goes in waves, good days followed by not so good. I can only link it to my having to go to work (two days a week) and putting him in daycare. Every time we get in the car, he starts to cry "no school". I love his teacher, he loves his teacher. He actually takes a nap there, and he's NEVER done that for anyone other than me. Not working is not an option right now...

I know his whining, tantrums and impulse control problems don't even come close to the stuff that many of you deal with. I just don't want to be dealing with those same issues when he gets older if there is anything I can do to help him now.

Thanks for any help you can offer....
Kim

[wdvance]

Hi Kim,
I want you to remember that comforting our children when they are dysregulated is not encouraging more dysregulation.

Even though your child is 2 please use the 10-20-10. Spend the 10 minutes in his room everyday so he wakes up with you there. In the afternoon when you come home for work spend 20 minutes with him. Try to do this at the same time everyday when you don't work and then the 10 before bedtime.

Remember in the 10-20-10 that means undivided attention with no distracting thoughts from you. Don't worry about the laundry or the house or supper or anything else. It doesn't work if you go there.

Be sure on a daily basis you talk about going to work and put that in a positive light. Play hide and seek with him. Think of other things you can do to help make the transition easier. Remember when you pick him up to tell him how much you missed him and that you thought about him. Even though his language skills are limited with your tone of voice and body language you show him how much you missed him and he will learn the words that go with that message.

Breathe,
Wilma

[Rebecca]

Hi Kim,

I wanted to also realize that his temper tantrums are probably, at least partly, from him being unable to verbalize what it is like for him to be away from you. I understand that this is the way it needs to be right now, but it is important that he is allowed to have his feelings about it heard and validated.

I had a mom who had a 2 year old child throwing huge temper tantrums every day when she returned home from work. Nothing she did was helping the situation. I suggested that she just sit quietly with her child and allow her to have her feelings, to validate how hard it is for mommy to be away. I told her to watch her daughter's cues and respond appropriately, but to just allow the feelings. It was like magic for them. Within about 10 minutes, the child was done having her feelings and had crawled up on her lap to connect.

Even though it is happening when you are home, I have experienced that that's when those feelings are going to come out. It is great that he is able to keep it together at daycare, but it does mean that he'll need more help regulating when he is back at home with you.

We are told over and over again not to reward "negative" behavior. But I would suggest that this "negative" behavior is nothing more than a communication. When you can hear his communication and respond to what he needs, this will go away. And the best part is that he will be more connected to you and that is ultimately our goal as parents.

Listen to his cues. Also, watch out for your own feelings, assuming that those days that start out rough must stay that way. Our expectations will set the tone. On those days, say to yourself, "Wow! He's having a really rough time today. That means that he is really dysregulated and he needs help learning how to regulate." Keep breathing yourself and try to connect with how awful that must feel for him to be in that space like that, which probably feels like it will last forever for him.

The best gift you can give him is to respond to him. This teaches him that he is loved unconditionally and that others will help him when he needs help. And it also teaches him to internalize regulating his own system. He learns that from you through relationship.

I know it is hard. I had one of those toddlers myself, but the answer is always found through connection and relationship, not through fear or control.

Please let us know how you're doing.

[ATHiker]

My husband and I had a little epiphany today... we think he's going through a big language gain. He's done this in the past, and every time we sit around, shell-shocked wondering what in the HECK is going on with our little boy. Then we notice he's using sentences or a bunch of new words, or using more complex forms of expression... and he's back to normal. We sit around slapping our heads and saying "A-HA!!", and promising to keep this whole episode in mind for the future.

All the signs are pointing to the same thing again, although we usually aren't aware of it until it's over. I noticed yesterday he was working so much harder to express himself, and using three syllable words. (for our pretty severely language delayed boy, that's HUGE) I'll keep moving forward and supporting him and hope it resolves like normal.

Thanks for the support!! I'll let you know how things go.

Kim