Happy Mothers Day - early!

[kmjjer2911]

:clap :wave

Happy Mothers Day early! You are all wonderful, awesome moms for loving your children soooo much and willing to be present for them each day!

I am posting about Mother's Day only because it is a special day but it can also be somewhat stressful.

My own sweet mom (in her 80's) so wanted to take all of her children and their families out to eat after church next week. I had a sweet, understanding talk with her. I suggested that for me "not going out to eat" would be much better because going out is so stressful for our son, R-8. Sometimes he does ok - most of the time - not. My mom was so disappointed saying "you can't cook on Sunday - you need a special day."

I breathed and took some time to think - what can we do for Mothers Day? Then a great idea popped in my head! I suggested that we have a picnic early dinner at our local park. Every family pack their own lunch. The kids can play outdoors - lots of wide open space near a creek and lake. My children love this park and do very well there. Then we will have a nice relaxing supper on a picnic blanket - very relaxing. They can have time to play with Grandma, parents, and other family. I plan to take a book - and lie down in the sunshine - reading and resting my eyes - yea!! NOW - that is my idea of relaxation! For us going to a nice restaurant would just cause more stress for me.

Now I am really looking forward to a nice mother's day. We can come home after church, eat a simple luch, relax, and then head to the park 3 hours later!

I just wrote these boring details so that some of you can think and pre-plan your special mother's day. For me - simplicity and relaxation is divine!

ANYBODY ELSE HAVE ANY GOOD IDEAS???

Kathy:wave:clap

[kmjjer2911]

I forgot to mention - I also realize that Mother's Day can be very traumatic for our children. So remember to be present with your child's emotions that day as well.

Our two children mainly focus on me that day. They do say a prayer for their birth mothers that day as well. In years past, they have not felt stressed on that day - they have usually treated me with great kindness and love. (Although - I will be ready to support them if grief feelings come up this year - which is a possiblity given the stress level they are feeling now.)

Anyway, just thought I should add this note on the feelings this day could bring up in our children.

Take care,
Kathy

[LindaR]

Thanks for writing this Kathy. I've kinda been sitting back waiting for somebody to suggest something to do on Mother's Day (with my mom and my sisters). Your post encouraged me to send out an email asking if anybody wants to plan something. Hopefully we can do something fun and not-too-stressful.

I usually get breakfast in bed from my kiddos. This year, they've "mastered" eggs in the microwave. Yuk! I'll concentrate on the thought as the important thing and choke down the eggs.

A few years ago when Alex was in Kindergarten, I got my first breakfast in bed. I remember it included pickles and raspberries. Yum!

[Linda W. Davis]

How do you all handle Mothers' Day? Last year we skipped church, didn't mention that it was Sunday and went for a hike. This year our 10 year old knows the days of the week and will be aware that it is Mothers' Day. It is all so painful. If we go to church there will be a sentimental children's sermon, totally inappropriate for our child. His birth mother neglected and mistreated him, and he hasn't seen her in two and a half years.

Yesterday, the children's time at church focused on parents and children. Part of the aftermath was an hour of howling grief at our house, grief for our boy's baby brother who died four years ago, probably from neglect. Questions like why God let these parents have a baby, why he was born at all. Hard questions.

How do I not fall victim to other people's insensitivity? How do I protect my child and others like him?

Any ideas for salvaging something from Mothers Day that would be healthy for us? (I am grandma and mom to this child.)

Linda

[kmjjer2911]

Linda,
I am glad you posted the honest questions. When I wrote the original mother's day post I was thinking back on our past years - not really thinking about the present week. I actually needed to hear them this week...in preparation for Mother's Day. All 9 years past have been great...but this could the potentially first quite difficult year. I am not being pessimistic - just prepared that it could be a very hard day for the first time. Every day for the past two weeks have been hugely traumatic for both our children. So with all this dysregulation it could be very difficult. Plus, I will be out of town with my 10 year old daughter next week for 3 days - first time leaving our son in two years (at home with Daddy) since his RAD behaviors truly kicked in....so he is VERY likely to be TOTALLy dysregulated by the time I get home late Friday night...leading into Sat and Sunday.

Staying home from church that Sunday - might be a good idea for our family - because our son often is dysregulated during church anyway. Just a thought. We would probably have a family time of Bible stories with a restful, calm morning.

So actually, I am very glad that you responded. I really look forward to hearing from others about how we can be present for our children that day (and protective as well.) Our son is very much triggered lately about his abandonment, neglect and rejection from his year in the orphanage. He gets VERY angry when he thinks about his sister who had me since adoption at birth or his friends who were born in their mommy's tummy.

Linda, I hope you do have a special mother's day even if it is just for a few moments...because you are an awesome, loving mother and grandmother!!!!

Kathy

[wdvance]

:dizzy Hi Everyone,

I knew Sunday was Mother's Day but then I didn't because I asked for a camping trip. I really want to go to the woods, pitch a tent, have a camp fire, roast weinees and marshmallows. I am sure that my Mother will expect all of us to come see her. (She does not drive).:eek: But that will have to be late on Sunday and us dirty and smelling like smoke.:love We did pick her out some nice Mother's Day Cards. This is one time my brothers will have to step up, this Mother's Day is for me.:D I am resourcing my own regulation.

I wish everyone a peaceful Mother's Day and do what works for your family.

Anything is possible.
I am doing that now.:wave

Wilma

[Karen Adams]

Yesterday, the children's time at church focused on parents and children. Part of the aftermath was an hour of howling grief at our house, grief for our boy's baby brother who died four years ago, probably from neglect. Questions like why God let these parents have a baby, why he was born at all. Hard questions.Linda

Hi Linda,
We have just gotten off the phone, and I am still resonating with how powerful your stories of your past week with your boy have been.

I don't know that I have any real "answers," just an awareness. One thing Bryan Post says over and over, don't try to avoid the grief, the rage, the pain. Because that is where the kid is. And, actually, as we all know by our experiences, they are there in their subconscious minds most of the time anyway, even when acting "OK."

So, Bryan says, we need to shift our thinking to welcoming the outbursts, because that is the time when the healing happens. That is when we can be present with the child in their ***state level*** feelings of fear and anguish, and lovingly walk out of that feeling with them, after we have walked in with them.

That being said, I don't know that I would go to church, since the day is painful enough without making it a public display. But I would bring it up with your boy, your mixed feelings about how you LOVE being his mom, and yet you wish with all your heart that it had not been necessary for you to be his mom, that his first mom had to lose him for you to get the gift...

That approach will avoid the sentimental gunk that will happen at church, and yet will still honor his and your pain and mixed feelings as well as happiness.

Maybe this is a good year to come up with some sort of beginning of a ritual for that day, one that honors the bittersweetness.

It might be possible to work through that state level pain earlier in the day, with you supporting, and then do something regulating and memory-making, like hiking or picnicking or ?

[Linda W. Davis]

Karen,

Thanks for your thoughtful response. I like the idea of dealing straightforwardly with the pain of Mothers Day. My first inclination is to avoid it, but that is not therapeutic.

I'm working on ideas for how to both acknowledge the pain and create new ways to celebrate. I'm going to share your thoughts with our therapist. I think she'll agree that this approach is good.

Jade came home from cub scouts last evening with a Mothers Day gift for me. He gave it to me enthusiastically, without reservations or anxiety. It was a very nicely made (he is artistic) little bird feeder, painted pink with lovely decorations. I felt good about it.

Happy Mothers Day to you too.

Linda