Getting His Attention

[Lianne]

I really don't yell very often, but sometimes I am so frustrated trying to talk to Allen, be reasonable, explain what we're doing, why, etc. that I just exclaim in loud voice... which I won't pretend isn't yelling. It's not yelling AT HIM really, but I still worry that it's hurtful.

The problem I have with it is that he actually listens when I do it and even though it sucks for a little bit (he usually cries b/c it scares him or hurts his feelings, so we hug, and I apologize, and assure him he's safe and hold him and then we're all good) and then he cooperates with whatever I was trying to do.

Like today, I was trying to get him dressed to go to the park b/c we were meeting friends. I mean COME ON - I'm trying to take him to the park! LOL And he just flat refuses to get dressed! Talk talk, explain explain, blah blah blah. He says, "No, I don't want to go!" and swings his bike helmet at me catching me on the cheek, and I yell out "OUCH!" b/c omg it really hurt! Of course he immediately started to cry b/c it scared him, so I felt awful, held him, etc. When he was calm I apologized and explained that it really hurt when he hit me, we talked a little about hitting, etc. and then he was ready to get dressed and we went.

So I'm not exactly learning not to yell out, you know? Besides, I want to be authentic and honest and it was a true reaction to yell "OUCH!" when being hit... but I know there are other times that I just get frustrated and allow myself to exclaim in frustration b/c I know it'll get his attention.

I need some other ideas.

OH I also want to add that NORMALLY I'm really not into pressure. It's more the times where we are going to be late for something that this happens. Normally I really just let him know that I'll help him get dressed when he's ready and we'll go, and it works fine. But when we're going to music or something that starts at a certain time, it's SO frustrating!

[Rebecca]

Hi, Lianne,

Transitions certainly can be stressful, especially when you have to be somewhere at a certain time. For those times in the morning, I've even resorted to dressing my son the night before in what he's wearing to our outing just to eliminate the extra stress! As he gets older, he'll be able to handle these transitions better and it will become a non-issue.

As far as yelling out, there are times when the best teacher is going to be that authentic feeling you express if your child hurts you. Authentic is the key here. Those other times, you're right in thinking some additional tools would work best.

Recognizing when you are very frustrated is the key. Sometimes that means giving yourself a "mommy time-out" where you move away from Allen and breathe. You might say to him that you need to go get yourself a drink of water or walk around the house for a minute or two so that you can be a better mommy, but that you aren't leaving him. Take responsibility and let him know it isn't about him. This gives you time to PBA (pause before acting) and respond with love rather than react.

No one is perfect and there are times when we're all going to react. Today was one of those days for me. Apologize for your reaction and try again to respond in a way that is more fitting for the situation.

Usually, we get more cooperation when we are connected, so also look at how much you've been connecting with Allen when he refuses to do something. Maybe he's trying to tell you that he doesn't want to go to the park because he needs to connect more with you. Behavior is a communication, so don't miss what he's trying to say to you through his actions.

Anyone else have any other thoughts?

[Lianne]

Thanks! I know we are less connected right now, since I have been so sick. I am just not my normal self. I normally play with him a lot and let him nurse pretty much as often as he likes. Being sick is awful for all of us - I have no energy, and when I do push myself to do stuff I get sick. He is nursing less b/c I'm limiting him some, and b/c there is less milk. I have noticed since I started feeling bad a month ago that we were having connection issues, just because we ARE so connected - I could see it immediately. We've been snuggling more which is helping. He's watching too much tv for my comfort but it's all I can do right now so I figure if I'm snuggling on the couch with him it's better than if I'm not. One day at a time.

I like what you said about telling him I need to walk around a minute but I'm not leaving him. That is what I've had a hard time with as far as taking my own time-out. I don't want him to think I can't stand to be around him or something! So that is good, I think even just saying, "I need to go in the other room and take a deep breath, and I'll be RIGHT back," will be fine for him. Good idea.

Yesterday went pretty well as far as transitioning. I told him about 3 hours early that we'd be getting dressed soon to go to Haley's house. He was not happy about it. An hour later I mentioned it again and he said it sounded good. An hour after that I started getting him dressed. LOL We ended up able to leave a little early which was great, and he had a great time.

Two nights ago I was feeling so awful and just frustrated at being sick. He was trying to show me something and I wasn't really paying attention and he kept talking in my face and I finally said, in an exasperated tone, "What?" and he just calmly said it again, showing me whatever he wanted to show me. I just lost it, crying, b/c I felt so awful. He just wanted to show me something and I didn't even have the patience to listen and pay attention. These are some rough days! Of course then he says, "It's ok, Mama. You're safe," just like we tell him when he is crying. That made me cry even more! LOL Such a sweet little boy I have. I know we'll get through this. I also know it's a normal time of testing the connection/separation as he gets more and more independent. Just throwing so many changes in with it seems extra hard.