Hitting/Biting/Not Listening

[Jacki]

HELP!

I know I should be giving you a ton more background info, and I will when I can get my head on straight. My 3 yr old (who was just adopted in Sept, but has been with us for almost 2 yrs) has begun just plain not listening. Even brushing his teeth this morning, he wouldn't open his mouth? He is in a daycare program all day while I am at work and enjoys being there. Since Sept (beginning of school year in a new, older, age appropriate class) he has had some issues....nothing really major, but we just blew it off to transition. Yesterday he slapped a teacher - of course he couldn't tell me why he did it - he is only 3.... and I just got the call from the head teacher in class that he bit another child because he wanted the toy the other child was holding. He has had some biting issues in the past, nothing major. The classroom he is in is very active, so I know he's not bored. They are a good group who work and play well together and no other child in the class has a hitting or biting problem....just mine :(


And my 5 yr old has just recently decided he doesn't need to listen in school either - he's in K and is getting held in class during recess & lunch time because of not listening. Clapping his hands when he's been told to stop. Yesterday he was spinning in circles when he got to gym class and was told to stop - of course he didn't so he sat in a 5 minute time out instead of starting gym class with the other students :( We've tried a sticker chart with him and that doesn't help....he tells me he earned all his stickers for the day and when I speak to the teacher I find that isn't the case :(

[Rebecca]

Hi, Jacki,

Sounds very stressful for everyone right now! I can feel the stress pouring out of your e-mail.

First, you need to breathe. That calms your nervous system. Before you speak to either of them about what is going on in school, I want you to make sure that you are completely calm. Adopted children are particularly sensitive to your stress. If you aren't in a place of being calm, find a friend you can express your frustrations about this situation to. This isn't to complain, it is to allow your feelings to come out so that they don't get in the way of seeing the situation for what it really is.

This situation is an opportunity to create connection with your children, to understand them more, and to help make things safer for them.

Adopted children, no matter how long they've been home, have experienced trauma and this changes the way they look at the world. I'm sure you've put a lot of thought into the daycare and school your sons attend and that they are "safe" by your definitions. But adopted children tend, as I mentioned before, to be particularly sensitive to stress and they also may have less of a window of tolerance to deal with that stress effectively.

If they didn't have a caregiver who was attuned, or very connected, when they were very young, they missed many opportunities to learn how to calm their own stress.

So, what does that have to do with behavior? Everything. A child who gets stressed out, in technical terms, is unable to think or make good decisions. The behaviors you are describing tell me that they are having difficulty coping with the stress in their respective environments.

For your youngest, being in an "active" classroom may be putting him over the edge of what he can handle. Taking the understanding back into the situation and opening up communication with the school, talking to the teacher about watching for early signs that he is starting to become stressed out is one place to start. Behaviors like that do not appear out of thin air. Perhaps he starts acting out when it is getting close to lunch time (misreading bodily cues) or maybe he is just becoming overwhelmed and needs someone to connect with. By recognizing that he isn't acting out to hurt anyone, but is really scared and dysregulated and needs help calming his system can help remove the additional stress that reacting to the behaviors can cause. If he does hurt someone else, suggest that they gently move him out of the situation with whoever he is most connected with at his daycare for a "time-in." Have them simply breathe with him and help calm his system. Give him words for his upsets and validate his frustrations. At that moment, do not address the behaviors. This is probably the hardest thing to do in that moment. When he's calm later, the teacher can talk about other ways of handling it when he starts to get dysregulated, or stressed out. But at this point and at his age, he probably really just needs them to be watching out for him to become overwhelmed and pull him out before he starts hurting anyone else- not as a punishment, but as a loving gesture to help him learn to control his regulatory system. With more information, I could probably get more specific.

With your older son... I'm taking a deep breath. The behaviors you're telling me about with him sound like normal 5 year old behaviors. I don't know very many "normal" kids who just automatically sit and do whatever they are told. In fact, I don't know many grown-ups who do, either. Expectations are a huge part of this. The second part is that the techniques they are using to try to get him to behave are only adding to his stress at school, which is more likely going to create more of the behaviors they are trying to eliminate. I want to see him have a successful time at school and those early experiences have a profound influence on how he feels about himself as he grows. Talk to the teacher and let her know you'd like to work with her to have a successful school year for all of you. You're learning some new things that have helped other children like your son and you hope she'll be willing to try them.

Ask the teacher to take a few moments each morning to check in with your son. Connect with him. I'm not sure what kind of relationship he has with the teacher at this point, but it is sounding like they're in a negative feedback loop. We need to help them interact more positively. If he is starting to act up or not listen, ask the teacher to walk over to him in a calm way and just connect with him. Don't take anything away from him. This is really foreign to most teachers, so it is hard to say how receptive she's going to be. Increase the communication between home and school, making sure that you know what is going on in the classroom daily.

Heather Forbes has an audio CD series called 10 Back to School Tips for Teachers and Parents. It might be a good thing to purchase and take to the teacher so she can have a better understanding of your son, if she's open to it. It is available at http://www.beyondconsequences.com/shop.html

Remember that ultimately, you need to make sure that the environment is working for your son. If that means that you go to the principal and request another teacher, please know you have the right and the responsibility to do that. You are your son's advocate.

At home, with both of your boys, I want you to connect with them as much as you can, especially in the morning. Make sure they are as calm and regulated as possible before they leave the house, which I know is easier said than done. You can make extra time for holding them and connecting with how difficult this situation at school is right now and how you are going to take care of them. I'm sure there is a lot more going on with this situation and you may need more support than I can provide just on this list.

Let us know how this fits and how you're doing.

You may also consider joining us on the free teleseminar Thursday night (Nov. 1 at 9:45PM Eastern). We're talking about Creating Connections with Adopted children and are picking up with the 3-5's. We'll also be opening up the line for questions. Sign up at http://www.consciouslyparenting.com/events.html
It is FREE except for your normal long distance charges. Use this resource to help increase your understanding. You could even send a link to the teacher for the recorded call!

HTH,

[Jacki]

Thank you so much for the insight.

I should probably mention that both boys were addicted at birth. Not sure if that is anything to be concerned with at this time as I don't see any delays, but I may be missing something.

I contacted the NJ Adoption Resource Clearing House to start some counseling services.

Leaving the house calmly is quite rare. Good call :) I have some homework to do.

[Rebecca]

Jacki,

There are some really wonderful counselors out there who work with adoptive families and there are others who mean well, but don't have the most up-to-date information. There are "attachment" therapists who promote techniques that are fear-based (forced holding, forced eye contact, among many others) instead of creating connection. If you haven't read Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control: A Love-Based Approach to Helping Children with Severe Behaviors, I would strongly recommend it. It is written primarily for families who have adopted children to help them truly connect with their children. (Heather Forbes- http://www.beyondconsequences.com) If you are interested in connecting with your children and parenting from a place of love, I would also recommend taking the book to your therapist and asking them to read it. If they aren't willing to work with this paradigm or to try the suggestions, keep looking. There are really good therapists out there who would be willing to work with your family. If you would like assistance with your search, e-mail me off-list at Rebecca@consciouslyparenting.com. I'd be happy to help you with that process.

One other thing... the difficulties you are experiencing are part of the way your family is handling this situation and not just a problem with the boys. Look for a therapist who will work with you as parents to help you connect with your children, who will either see you all together as a family or just the parents, rather than just the child by himself. Healing does not happen once a week in a therapist's office, but through daily interactions with the people the children care about most. And you're going to need support for that, so I'm glad to see that you are willing to reach out for it!

As for the drug use of the mother, it can definitely affect the children's regulatory ability, even if there aren't any other obvious delays.

Let us know how you're doing!