Shifting between "caretakers"

[Sharonanne]

I hate the word "caretaker" but it fits the situation. :) I've been meaning to get this typed out over here for a while and am finally just forcing the time to do it. ;)

Some quick background; Josephine is 28 months old. I work full time outside the house, and my mom watches Joey during the day while I'm here.

Lately, Joey's still been asleep when I've been leaving for work, but on mornings when she is awake, she'll start crying and telling me "Don't go to work" and saying "I don't want Gran!" One morning, in particular was absolutely horrendous, with her literally clutching onto me as I tried to get out the door. But, in all honesty, the morning is not the biggest problem.

When I get home from work, as soon as I walk through the door, Joey starts crying. "I don't want you mama! I want Gran!" I try to explain to her that Gran has to go home now; that Gran has to make dinner for Pa; that Gran doesn't live with us, she has her own home to take care of. She's not having it.

I swear, you guys, a little piece of me dies every single time I hear "I don't want you, Mama" :(

Anyway, I've tried cuddling her through it; I've tried validating her feelings and letting her have the time to get them out; I've tried ignoring the whole situation and just going about my afternoon. None of these attempts made any progress and none of them feel "right".

Now, a few other observations about this. If she's napping when I get home, she'll cry for a little while when she wakes up, but it's not awful. If she's awake, it's a bit worse, sometimes a lot worse. Also, my mother has said that she doesn't think sugar affects Joey at all :mad: and the worst afternoon we've had in recent history was after an afternoon of twizzlers from walmart. :rolleyes:

Also, my mother's way of trying to deal with this is to cuddle and shhhh her before she leaves, which, in my opinion, only makes it worse when she does leave.

And finally, I am not a child rearing expert and so my mother won't listen to anything I have to say on any topic anyway :rolleyes::mad: So, I'm seeking professional opinions that I can then take home and shove in her face. ;)

What is the best way to help Joey through this stage? I KNOW that she's having an issue with the changing of the guard, and not that she doesn't "want" me, you know? How can I help her deal with these transitions a little better?

[Lianne]

Hugs to you all. It must be so hard to hear her say she doesn't want you, even though you know that isn't what she means.

I'm looking forward to what Rebecca says so you can hopefully help your mom see the light... at least a little.

There are articles on the main site, also - one is about food in particular. Maybe print them out to share with her?

[ngio64]

It must be really hard when she does not support your parenting instincts and beliefs. Especially since she cares for her for you. My mother lives in NY and I am in FL. I was visiting her when Bekah was 4. My mother did not believe me about chocolate, red dye and corn syrup effecting her negatively, but she humored me. Then she gave her apple juice with high fructose Corn syrup by accident and saw her completely melt down within 10 minutes and stay that way for over an hour. She was watching Bekah in such distress, then called me over in awe to show me the label.She felt so guilty and was in shock! She finally believed me. I think the reaction was more obvious because she had not had any corn syrup for a long time. IF she does not believe you or any " crazy" website, she might still believe TIME http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1659835,00.html Twizzlers are red and 2 of my 3 go balistic if they get Red 40! Hang in there! Nancy I copied part of the article below: Parents who suspect that artificial ingredients in food are affecting their children's behavior can now point to some cold, hard proof. A carefully designed study released Thursday in The Lancet, a leading British medical journal, shows that a variety of common food dyes and the preservative sodium benzoate — an ingredient in many soft drinks, fruit juices, salad dressings and other foods — causes some children to become more hyperactive and distractible than usual. Related Articles "In terms of a question that's been raging for years, it's the best study to date — an extremely good study," says Dr. Philip Shaw, a research psychiatrist in the Child Psychiatry branch of the National Institute of Mental Health. The study prompted Britain's Food Standards Agency to issue an immediate advisory to parents to limit their children's intake of additives if they notice an effect on behavior. In the U.S., there's been no such official response, but doctors say it makes sense for parents to be on the alert.

[Rebecca]

Hi, Sharonanne,

I just want to start by validating your frustration. It must be so difficult to see your "baby" so distraught over the many transitions she is making every day from you to caregiver back to you.

I really hear that you have tried everything and nothing has worked. I applaud you for working so hard to make this work and I'm glad that you are reaching out. I know you aren't the only one in this situation!

In many ways, it is really a wonderful thing that your mom is able to care for Joey. Being in the care of a relative means that she has someone who truly loves her and can connect with her when you are at work. It probably doesn't make it any easier on you, though, especially right now. But hear that it is important for her development to have that connection.

Let's start with you, since you can only change your response, not her reaction. First, you need to acknowledge how very difficult this situation is and your feelings about it. Even if you love your job, it must make it so difficult to leave and probably even to come back when you are met with so much emotional upset. Talk to a friend about it and allow yourself to get in touch with ALL your feelings about it. When you are clear of your own feelings, you will be able to connect with your daughter and realize that it isn't about you. I'm going to say that again. This isn't about you. She's not rejecting you, though I'm certain it feels that way. She's upset and dysregulated. The more upset and dysregulated you are, the harder it will be for her. It creates a negative neurophysiologic feedback loop, so even though you may not say a word to her, she senses that you are uncomfortable at even the thought of her reaction to you going to work and it adds to the negative loop.

So, how do you step out of the negative loop and make it different? Let's look at two year olds in general next. The more we can understand where she's coming from developmentally, the more understanding you can bring into the situation.

Two year olds are notorious for having difficulty with transition and you are giving her lots of transition practice. Keep in mind that this will get easier as she gets older, but right now it is really tough for her. She's also still primarily in an attachment phase, so she's learning about relationships in a basic way and it is difficult for her to shift back and forth in a way she has no control over. Two's also are learning to voice their upsets, which developmentally is actually a good sign (not that it makes it easier).

So, I'd like you to work with her when you're both calm and talk to her on emotional level about how hard this is for both of you. Give her words for the feelings she's having about you leaving. You can also take stuffed animals and role play. Let her be the animal that "leaves" and you can talk about how sad you feel when the "mommy" goes to work. Have another "grandma" animal and role play her coming over and leaving, as well. You're basically helping her bring all these feelings out in the open at a time she can process it when she's not upset. You can hold her and cry together about how hard it is that you're not always together and that she is having a hard time with this right now. You can give her permission to get upset when you leave and that you know it is hard, but you're okay with her feelings, which is why it is important to make sure you're clear of your own. Then, I'd have your mom do the animal role play with Joey, if she's willing. Give Joey permission to love your mom and let her know that you're so glad someone who loves her is taking care of her. The more of her feelings you can acknowledge, the more quickly she'll be able to a come to peace about it.

Spend lots of quality time together when you are home. Co-sleep or sleep in close proximity, perhaps with her bed right next to yours, so that she can smell you and touch you while she sleeps. Spend time doing what she wants to do with you- good quality undivided attention (not talking on the phone or thinking about the bills you need to pay later). Strive for 10 minutes in the morning (though it might not be possible if she's still sleeping, though even if you're just sitting next to her while she sleeps, it is still good!), 20 minutes when you come home from work (might not be immediately if she is upset) and 10 minutes before bed. The more her cup is full, the better.

When she gets upset at a transition, stop and breathe. Remind yourself it isn't about you. And allow her to be upset. Stay with her, near her, telling her that you'd be upset, too. She needs help calming her system down and you can do that for her. It is probably the best gift you can give her. What an opportunity!

As Lianne suggested, there is an article written about food and behavior on the website, so print that out. Recognize that your mom is doing the best she can. Talk to her about it when you're calm and regulated, too. Acknowledge that you know she wants what is best for your daughter and seek to understand what it must be like to be in her shoes. Information has changed, but present it in a loving way that acknowledges her fears about changing the way she looks at this.

Let us know how you're all doing!

HTH,

[Sharonanne]

Thanks everyone, for all your thoughts and advice. :)

Rebecca, I'd never have thought of role playing with her toys; that is such a great idea! You are right, I am going to have to work through my own feelings on this before I can hope to help Joey with hers. Where am I going to find a friend to do that with, I wonder? LOL (Lianne and Jacki, you guys can both expect emails LOL)

Thank you, again, and I'll definitely keep you updated with our progess and come back with any other questions that come up.

[Sharonanne]

Rebecca, I almost drove BACK to work on Friday night, just to come here and post. (No internet connection at home ;))

I thought we were going to have a SERIOUS issue on Friday afternoon, because my mom was sick on Thursday, so Joey was with me all day. She missed her time with Gran that day, and I was just certain that we were going to have a major meltdown on Friday when Gran was leaving. Then, I found out, when I got home, that she hadn't napped at all that day, and she and Gran had just finished a mess of Cheetos. Blech.

It started out normally, with Joey crying and asking my mother not to leave, my mom making excuses and trying to reason with her (she's not in a reasoning frame of mind at this point). My mother ducked out the door; Joey ran to it, crying, laid down on the floor in front of it, kicking, screaming, pounding her fists on the floor, the whole works.

I just sat down next to her; rubbed her back while she'd let me, but she swatted my hand away, which was fine. I worked very hard at remembering that none of it was about me, and that she needed to express her feelings. As she started to calm down enough that I thought she could hear me, I started saying "I know, honey. You're sad that Gran had to go home. You had so much fun playing with her today and you want her to stay so you can keep having fun." Things like that. I used the words sad, angry, mad and frustrated, because that's what I was feeling from her.

First of all, there was a change in her almost immediately. She didn't stop crying or even get off the floor at first, but her crying was DEFINITELY different. It wasn't that hysterical screaming that it usually is, it was more just sad crying; like any one of us would cry when we're sad, you know? And then, as I talked to her, she calmed down considerably. She got up and hugged me. She walked a little bit away from me and laid back down; I didn't follow her. I got that she needed a little space at that moment. So she laid back down and she cried a little more; I kept talking to her the whole time, and within a couple minutes she had come back, climbed into my lap, and had completely stopped crying.

The whole process took about 10 minutes, start to finish! This, after we'd been spending 1/2 an hour to an hour a day with her screaming and just hysterical.

This was such an incredible, INSTANT improvement on our afternoons. And we went on to have a great evening.

Thank you so much for you suggestions, Rebecca. Totally incredibly awesome. :D

[Jacki]

:D

[Lianne]

Awesome update! :D

[Sharonanne]

Yesterday was even better! :D TWO minutes of grumpiness, and then she wanted to build something with her blocks :D

This morning, Joey was awake when I was leaving and she started to get teary when I was about ready to leave. I just scooped her up and told her that I know that she gets sad when people leave....kinda went through the normal stuff I say to her when Gran leaves. After a couple seconds, she was telling me, "See you later!" :D

[Rebecca]

That is WONDERFUL, Sharonanne! I'm so glad to hear that you were able to connect with her feelings and to totally get that it wasn't about you. And I loved hearing that you were able to respond to her cues, staying attuned and not taking it personally when she didn't want to be touched. You allowed her the space she needed, which allowed her to have her feelings and then to be ready to move back toward you.

Congratulations! She is so lucky to have you for a mom! :D

Keep us updated about your progress when you can. I loved hearing how much better it went today.