Parenting Challenges

[Rebecca]

What parenting challenges are you currently experiencing? Feel free to post anything, large or small. Maybe someone else has been there, and can offer suggestions and support.

Lately, my biggest parenting challenge has been finding the balance between working, homeschooling, meeting my own needs for time alone and growth, and the needs of my marriage. I've been a stay-at-home mom, working in limited ways that suit the needs of my family, for the past nearly 9 years. I'm just starting to add more outside work that is separate from my family (in the past, I only did jobs that I could include my children in or easily do when they were sleeping, like leading La Leche League or API meetings, answering phone calls for parenting/breastfeeding support. I even worked as editor for API's leader publication because I could do that job from home), so I'm now working to balance much more.

I'm trying to still carve out time to spend with friends, sit and read a book (possibly even one NOT related to my work), or just relaxing, but I'm finding it is hard to find the balance.

I often think of those tribal groups, like the ones mentioned in the Continuum Concept, and feel a loss of the connection those people would feel by living in close proximity and supporting one another. It feels like I'm really isolated in my day to day living and I have to work really hard to connect with others. In those primitive societies, it would have just been a given that others would share the load. The whole society is structured around being together, creating connection, and working together to do what needs to be done. I think that is part of my vision for this community. Perhaps you'll meet others here who are nearby and you can create community in your own area. In the meantime, you can "be together" here, share what is important to you to create connection, and work together to do the hard work that is parenting.

So, what are your challenges? Reach out here and we can all support one another.

Blessings,

[Lianne]

The balance thing is big in my mind right now, as well.

Additionally, I am battling some morning sickness that lasts all day. How on earth do people have multiple children and go through this?! My parents came to visit this weekend which has been my saving grace, but they go home tomorrow. How do I keep up with my house, my home business, and give my son the attention he deserves while I feel like this? I can't even stand the smell of food - how do I feed him? LOL Seriously, this is a huge challenge!

Lianne

[Lianne]

Well I found one solution - two wonderful friends of mine took Allen for four hours today! I can't even tell you how helpful that was for me. I am so blessed :D

[Lianne]

I've been thinking more about this. I have been talking to other parent friends of mine and these are some things that keep cropping up:

* Pressure from others to discipline a certain way. This is especially hard when your child does something to their child and you can just tell they are waiting for you to punish your child. Since we don't do punishment, I sometimes feel that I'm being judged by the other parent for what I do (or my lack of action in their eyes). This could also be pressure from parents or family members, or maybe even a spouse?

* Fear - for example, you know these kids who are just unruly. Your whole goal as a parent is to make sure your child doesn't turn out like these kids. (Not really but you know what I mean) Every small thing your child does makes you so afraid your child will turn out like those other kids. Yikes!

* Teaching sharing - especially when you clearly do things differently from other parents. For example, Boy has a toy, and Girl decides she wants to play. Boy's mom immediately says, "Boy, you have one more minute, and then Girl gets a turn." Girl's mother doesn't do things this way and it's very uncomfortable.

* Teaching manners - some parents require and remind their children to say please, thank you, I'm sorry, etc. Others may suggest it as an option. Still others may just say it for the child and model it and figure he'll get it. This can be quite uncomfortable, both when you feel the other parent expects you to tell your child to say something, and also when your child is wronged and the other parent forces an apology from her child.

[Annie]

My foster son came from two disruptions. He has been with us for about a year and a half now. I find myself actually feeling quite affectionate toward him, and fond of him. I believe he also is becoming fond of us, and beginning to trust us. This "love" approach served me so well, and continues to, in helping him attach to us, and trust us. Yet, there are still some serious issues that I do not know how to address...

For example, he has been stealing from us. I will give him money for almost anything he needs - in fact, though we are pretty strapped, we still pay his tuition to a Catholic HS.... I give him money for sports drinks, new athletic shoes; he wears great clothes.... But, I think he knows I wouldn't give him money for new video games, and I believe that is where most of the money he has taken has gone. I see them appear "mysteriously" and he claims that friends have given them to him. I hate to address this as he immediately gets angry. Losing his belongings is a recurrent theme for him... He has lost so much, so many times. We do what we can now to hide money from him, but this hardly seems like it ought to be necessary. And, there are a few other issues on this order - for example, when we were in Russia this past fall, he started to smoke. And it was as though it was deliberate - to "show us" for not being satisfied with him, and adopting another child, or at the very least for being gone for a couple of weeks. Now he can't seem to stop - or won't. Furthermore, he has let our new son smoke with him. Things seem to be getting out of control in this "middle place". I know these aren't the WORST issues there are....but it is a constant worry to me.

[Rebecca]

Hi Annie,
You brought up several issues in your post, but I wanted to take a minute to address the smoking issue first. That would really worry me as a parent, especially if it was involving his younger sibling as well. I'm here taking some deep breaths about it and this isn't even my own family. Acknowledge how very stressful that is for you.

You are very insightful in recognizing that the smoking probably had something to do with you leaving and he's mad at you. But if you go one step farther in thinking about what his history is and how absolutely terrifying it must have been for him when you left to go back to Russia, it makes sense that he looked for something that would help him to regulate externally. He couldn't calm his own system- he was incredibly overwhelmed. And that's what is happening every time he smokes. He is overwhelmed and cannot calm his system down.

Dr. Post discussed this at a training I attended and he suggested that the parent actually go outside with the child who is smoking. Don't reprimand or even make any direct comments about the smoking at that time. And just say, "Is it okay if I stand here with you?" If he says no, move a little farther away and ask again until you are a safe distance. By doing this, you are helping to create a little safety with your presence. Later, you might start a conversation about how you noticed he went to smoke when he was upset (or overwhelmed or whatever it was that you observed) and that you really want him to come to you when he is feeling stressed. You know your son the best. It may take a while before he is ready for this conversation. If he isn't ready for it yet, just try to be there for him when he is smoking to help create that positive experience for him. Later, when you're both calm and regulated, you can also talk about how smoking makes you feel and how it scares you. Help him make the connection between when he's upset and smoking. As you connect more in relationship with him, he'll be increasingly able to calm himself through your relationship instead of smoking. Ultimately, he'll be able to calm himself down on his own without smoking, too.

Stealing is similar in that he is dysregulated. Again, connect with his past of not having, as I think you already have. Something you said is worth discussing further. You said, "I hate to address it as he immediately gets angry." He has a right to get angry, just as you have a right to bring it up. The key is to bring it up in a way that isn't blaming. That takes understanding what is happening and knowing it isn't a cognitive decision at all. He is living in survival mode and he is doing the best he can. It is possible that he later feels badly for what he does. Talking to him and putting it out there that you know sometimes he gets so scared that he takes money from you is important. Connect it for him to those times he didn't have anything or he lost everything. Tell him that you know that was really hard for him. And you want him to come to you when he feels the need to take money from you. Tell him that you're not going to be mad. When he does come to you, that is a huge step forward for him. Celebrate it!

I'd love to hear from others who have dealt with these kinds of issues, too. Are you still working on them? Have you resolved them? What worked for your family? What didn't work?

Annie, please keep us posted about how things are going for you! Thanks for sharing.

[Annie]

I am so grateful for your reply. Yes! I'm taking a big breath! It is so hard to discuss these things with people, because immediately they want to be horrified, to suggest "punishments" and "consequences" and my years as a teacher tend to make "appropriate consequences" come into my mind naturally already!

For example, this afternoon I drove home from work (I work at a church and was preparing classes) to take him to his athletic club. He poked his head in the car to tell me he wasn't quite ready and could I wait ten minutes. Well, he reeked of cigarette smoke, and it was so easy for some voice in my head to suggest that I "ought" to tell him that if he continued smoking, there wouldn't be any more athletic club as the two are contradictory. Oh, yes. This is clever and makes great sense! my training tells me. But, an inner voice nags at me that - no, this is not the way - it won't help, only hinder. So far, all I've done about either of these issues is to bring them up without rancor. In terms of the smoking I've expressed concern, as he is a talented athlete. I've encouraged him to think about what prompted him to start. Regarding the stealing, I've mentioned it a time or two as the reason (very true, not made up) that I could not give him money as sadly, someone in the house had taken all of the money from my purse. I think I made it clear that I suspected he did it, without being accusatory or angry. But I haven't expressed any feeling about it, which is probably a bit threatening, I see now.

Your suggestions to do something more overt and more honest makes me feel more comfortable. I think my natural instincts have always been pointed in this direction, but I need encouragement to really step out in faith. Fully honest. I really appreciate these thoughts. I can't tell you what it means to me.