Healing and Guilt

[LoriTracy]

My kids are 6 and 9. I have made many mistakes but I have also done a lot of good things, too. I am confident that they know they are loved. My husband and I are committed to their well being and always have been, though there were years when we unconciously parented how we were parented. There was no trauma or spanking, but we did disrespect their wishes, yell, tuned them out, refused their bids to play with us, etc.

I have a tremendous guilt and tend to go into despair and feel that I have "ruined" everything. How can I get past the guilt and move on? At times, I feel like my relationship with them is strained. I feel that we could be closer. I am working everyday to show them respect and love. They seem "fine" and they are happy. They smile and laugh a lot. They love playing with their friends. They do very well in school. They want to be with my husband and I. They want to sleep in our bed with us. I am still worried that they could have been "better" if I behaved differently.

I am confident that I will never go back to the "old" me but I can't get past the fact that I have treated them poorly and am in a state of constant worry on how I am treating them.

Thanks for any advice.

[dolphins]

Hi LoriTracy

I can say this: once we cross over to the reality of what we feel may or may not have been as as you stated & how you both will never go back to the "old", then we never really do. For myself, its sort of like not only a "ah-ha" feeling, acceptance of the situations we saw/see in ourselves and families, or acknowledgments, BUT more like a little bit of relief. A relief that I was very able to see this, what you've explained and what I am sure others feel more of for we all come to this crossroad at some point in our lives - no matter at what part of our life/parenting journey crossroads meet. It's NEVER to late to do things differently. A very special friend in my life took some time to try and explain what guilt was and to convince me that I have nothing to feel guilty about. It's a form of not having all the tools needed in some form or another for one reason or another. So, how could have I really done all that much different at that moment in time, in the past....? Also, what I feel is this and what you also explained: We (you, your husband, myself, and others) have come to the realization in some form and reasons and I feel that when we realize the differences and what IT is that's standing in the relm of difference & choose to change what it was that we were not likening, then we gain that hope that was once felt to be lost. Our feelings of having "ruined" something starts to leave our inner feelings and the healing continues. Also, at the end of your conversation here, you say you feel like your in a state of constant worry - to me, I translate that statement as a person being in the state of Consiously Parenting (being presence, awareness of what is going on and not). I APPLAUED you for sharing your family and life here. I also hope my rambles and mixed up inners while trying to explain myself didn't lose you and you are able to make some sort of sense to this.

You and your husband are AWESOME parents and I look forward to getting to know you better!

~ Robyn

[LoriTracy]

Robyn, thanks so much for the reply. There has definitely been a dramatic shift in my thinking. I always thought I was a decent parent and I always thought I was doing the right thing because I loved my children dearly. How wrong I was. Just when you think you're doing okay, there is an epiphany. I realized I was parenting my kids in the way my mother parented me. She was loving but we didn't talk a lot. She ignored us and didn't play with us. She didn't want to be bothered because she was consumed with her own thing and I was doing the same without realizing it. My father is an alcoholic and was physically abusive to me, my sister, and my mother. My mother and I received most of the abuse. My childhood was very rough and I suffered and I still suffer because of it. I always promised myself I would do things differently, but I wasn't aware of how I would do things. I thought if I didn't beat them or verbally abuse them, I was doing ok. That was another mistake.

I'm always learning and growing and this is what I love about life. There have been many things I would have differently but I cannot undo the past. My kids are already responding to the changes in my behavior. My eldest son has been known to sit next to me, and display other affectionate behaviors. He rarely embraced me and refused hugs. The other day he spontaneously embraced me during a light moment. I was pleasantly surprised. I now respect their opinion. I say yes more than I say no. I'm not as impatient. I'm not tremendously worried about their performance in sports, academics, etc. because I feel better about myself, and it is their life, not mine. I'm not constantly correcting them.

I know that the guilt is self-defeating. I want to be open and happy, not consumed by guilt. Guilt has always been a problem with me and I still feel guilty, but I know it is not productive. I do feel badly for what could have been. I wouldn't have sent them to preschool. I wouldn't have put them in so many extracurricular activities at a young age. I would have not put so much pressure on them and I definitely would have not ignored them and screamed so much. I would have played with them. I would have been lighter and more easy.

[Rebecca]

Hi LoriTracy,

Awareness of yourself is good- knowing that your past affected your ability to be present with your kids is important. As you stated, the guilt is not helpful. To release your guilt, you first must acknowledge all of the ways you feel like you haven't measured up. You started to do that here. You can write them down on paper or you can talk it through with someone who won't try to fix it or stop your process. Don't censor yourself at all. Write or talk about your thoughts and feelings- not just one or the other. You might consider Janet Conner's writing process. There's a free audio on how to do it here: http://www.consciouslyparenting.com/teleseminars/JanetConner1.php

Another great resource is John Gray's What You Feel, You Can Heal. There are many great writing exercises in that book, as well, including one about writing a Love Letter. You can adapt that exercise to write to yourself. I'll try to dig it out and write more details about that process in a little while.

Either way, some parents have gotten it all out the way it is and then shifted over to the positive aspects of their parenting. End it, when you start to feel a shift in how you feel about yourself, by forgiving yourself. You did the best you could with the information and resources that you had. Embrace all those things you did well. You'll need to repeat this process, but you'll find that each time you're in a different place with it (even if only slight changes here or there).

We'll be touching on all of this in my upcoming Consciously Repairing Relationships class, so that might be a good way to surround yourself with others on this journey. There's a special running right now for a buy one, get one free for this class, too. Just thought I'd mention that! http://www.consciouslyparenting.com/classes/CNR/repairing.php

And of course, keep writing here! Many parents have used this forum as a place to do their journaling and that's just great! And let us know if there is anything else we can do to support you on your parenting journey! We do have a great group of parents here- all of whom are on this consciously parenting journey, too. We hope that you're inspired and supported by your time here!

Warmly,
Rebecca