new bedtime battles with 3-year old daughter

[KW2008]

Hi, I am hoping you can help shed light on what is happening with our daughter. We are really struggling to know how to help her.

Some background:
--She is a twin, has a 3-year old brother, and they've both been really easy at naptimes and bedtimes since they were babies. We had a consistent routine and they always happily went to bed.

--She and her brother both are well-rested and generally well-behaved, happy kids. We give them lots of physical affection and attention.

--We also have an 18-month old boy.


In the last few months, our daughter has become a little more oppositional during the day (more power struggles, tantrums, etc.) which I attributed to her age, a new phase, the fact that she was potty training and becoming more independent, etc.

But during the last month, naptime has become a nightmare with her. No longer do I go through our standard routine and leave the room and she goes to bed peacefully.

This what happens now:
When I leave the room, she comes up with an excuse to get me to come back in (wants the blanket on her feet, can't feel the fan, needs her nose wiped, wants a different book, didn't say goodnight as I walked out the door, etc.) And no matter how much I calmly follow her request OR tell her no it's time to go to sleep and leave the room, she freaks out and cries and tantrums. Before a month ago, this was NOT normal behavior for her. So naptime has turned into a 30-minute struggle. Today was the first time that I did not go back in after the 3rd return so she called out to me for about 20 minutes and then finally went to sleep. But then at bedtime she did the same thing to my husband.

As I read what I wrote above, it seems easy to say she's just testing you and you need to just stop going back into the room. But I've continued to do so (until today) because this wasn't typical behavior and because she would always get to a point where she would stop and say goodnight and I would leave the room peacefully. But lately it's escalated into a never-ending "one more thing". And each day naptime is getting worse, more demands, more crying, more tantruming. It's become a pattern that is not good for her or us and we need help.

My question is, is this a normal developmental phase? If so, what is the best way to handle it?

Or if this is not normal, what feedback would you give us on how to handle it? Could she be feeling disconnected from me or this is just a control issue? I do feel less connected to her right now due to the struggles of the last few months and not feeling confident in knowing how to understand her. I am not confident in where to set limits for her, don't know if we are being too lenient or too strict. So don't know if it's just a control issue.

I look forward to your feedback, as we are really desperate to know what to do.

Thank you!
Karen

[Lianne]

Are you sure she needs the nap, still? I think my son stopped napping altogether around then. Maybe a house-wide quiet time might work better, where she doesn't have to be isolated if she doesn't want to, but it needs to be a calm time? Relax, do something quietly, play quietly in your room if you like, etc.

[KW2008]

Thank you for your reply! She definately still needs a nap, if she goes without a nap, she starts to melt down in the late afternoon. And while in bed at naptime, once she stops tantruming, she goes to sleep 98% of the time. But it's also happening at bedtime at night too, in fact she's still up there tantruming right now and it's been going on for almost an hour. Tonight we tried several different things: The strict approach of ignoring the tantruming. The softer approach of re-connecting with her, hugs, rubbing her hair, etc. I even put on a soft music CD to see if that would help. Nothing. She's still tantruming and crying.

I am at my wits end. This is not normal for her and it's stressing us all out to listen to it. We even had to move my son out of their room tonight because it was hurting his ears.

Do you have any other thoughts or feedback? I appreciate your help!!

[LoriTracy]

I was going to suggest the same thing. Maybe she no longer needs a nap. The fact that she is calling you back in so many time leads me to believe that she may want, and need, some extra attention. She is most likely wanting more of a say in her sleeping schedule. Maybe she doesn't want to sleep, resents the fact that you are demanding that she nap, and is asking you for these things to assert her autonomy. If you truly believe she is sleepy I would ask her if she would like to talk. If she agrees, I would lie next to her and chat and cuddle. Talk about what she wants to talk about for several minutes. If you don't think she is sleepy, ask if she wants to sleep. If she doesn't, allow her to stay up. It sounds like the current routine is frustrating for the both of you. Trusting that she doesn't want to sleep respects the both of you. Good luck.

[dolphins]

We had the EXACT problems here with same age child - so the naps are not totally gone, just placed on an "as needed" basis. I'm finding its really easy to tell when a nap is needed and so far been lucky too for she will lay down to sleep on those days.