To Attached?

[dolphins]

I've been dealing with a situation for the past few weeks - I'm a nanny for my younger nieces. One is now enrolled and going to pre-wee - I am having my own issue/stuff about things- I was actually told this morning that I am more attached to the kids than most parents are with their own kids and basically is what's "going on inside"....I quickly stated that statement was not true by my beliefs and Who I know and trust. I'm still stunned!

[Rebecca]

I'm not sure that I understand. Can you write more about this situation? Are you saying that the people at the school are saying that you are all too attached? Tell me more about the situation.

[dolphins]

Yes, in the pre-school and its a private one and as I was dropping little one off, the person there told me it’s better if I just do a “drop and leave” and I said NO it’s not! I was tending to the child’s needs to transition in the group and leave when she was ready for me to leave NOT when the adults there needed me out of there. She was clinging to me and crying asking me to help her and not leave and so I stayed for a bit and eventually she became ready. I go back home with my 6-month old niece (her sister) and sit and watch the clock, just waiting anxiously for the time to go back and pick her up!

...AND at the same time, my nieces mom (my sister, I am her nanny) is trying to understand. Is stating to me that I’m really attached to her, maybe too attached. She also says that "it's okay" but "you're more attached to the kids than most parents are to their own kids”. My jaw is still dropped and I’m still stunned. I’m also a foster parent (I have no Bio kids) and was told the same thing around one of the kids I had in my home 3 years ago.

I’m also told a few other things as in how my niece doesn’t have a “need” to have her mom stay when being dropped off and it’s a “see ‘ya mom” feeling my sister gets when she goes to depart the center. Apparently, it’s the same way for nieces dad. Now they are going to try and stagger the time going into work and do the dropping off.

[Rebecca]

This is very timely, as I've been dealing with this sort of situation personally with my son who is a Kindergartener. In my experience, younger children have more difficulty separating from the primary attachment figure, regardless of who that person is. It can be mom or dad, or a nanny, as in your case. This is the person that the child cares if he/she leaves because they are, what Bowlby calls, their "secure base." It is very important that if this person is doing the dropping off that they are respectful of the child's need and readiness to separate, just like you're doing.

The irony here is that all children need to be attached to someone like you're describing. It is just not the norm in our society, so it is defined as "wrong." In reality, from a biological perspective, it is probably "abnormal" for a child to not care if someone they love has left them at the age of 3 or 4 or 5. (Older children also may struggle with separations depending upon what happened to them in their early lives, too, and this may be normal for them.) We just have an incredibly skewed perspective when it comes to "normal" in our culture. "Normal" and "common" are not the same thing.

Trust your own instincts here. I'm glad they have you in their lives and hope that at some point their mom and dad are able to connect with them in the same way. All children need that connection with someone for healthy development.

Feel free to keep sharing here. Anyone else have separation issues they want to bring up?