Meeting Long-Term Needs: Parenting with Empathy, Expression, and Self-Empathy

by Inbal Kashtan

An NPN member recently wrote to ask me what alternatives there are to rewards and punishments. “I have found myself ‘bargaining’ with my 2-year-old to get him to do things, mostly eat,” she wrote. While she found consequences and rewards “effective,” she wondered if there are other ways to handle these situations.

When I hear parents—or parenting experts—say that consequences are effective, I often wonder what they mean by “effective.” In this context, I believe what we usually mean is that we get compliance from children—they do what we tell them to do—at least for a while. Although we might feel some relief in the moment, I seriously doubt that compliance meets our own—or our children’s—long-term needs. Both the goal (compliance) and the means (rewards and consequences) come at a price. They not only involve fear, guilt, shame, or desire for reward, but they are also often accompanied by anger or resentment. And because rewards and consequences are extrinsic motivations, we become dependent on them and lose touch with our intrinsic motivation to meet our own and others’ needs. (Alfie Kohn’s books may be of interest, especially Punished by Rewards.)

I believe that human beings are more joyfully motivated by an intrinsic desire to meet our own and other people’s needs. This is a key premise of the Nonviolent Communication parenting practice I embrace. Instead of focusing on authority and discipline, NVC teaches that trusting relationships are built through attentiveness to everyone’s feelings and needs.

Therefore, recurrent parenting challenges can be addressed by paying as much attention as possible to everyone’s long-term needs. This may take more time in the moment because it means going beyond the present problem and remembering what matters to us most in the big picture. Yet it is time I want to invest. I believe in the long run I will harvest deeper connection, trust, and harmony in my family—and powerful life-skills for my child. Aren’t these goals that most parents aspire to? Aren’t they sweeter than mere compliance?

In practicing NVC in the conflict over eating with your young son, for example, I would begin with the premise that some needs of his are not being met. Even with a pre-verbal toddler or a child not used to NVC language, we are likely to be able to ferret out his needs.

Let’s consider each one of NVC’s three key approaches: giving empathy to your son; expressing your observations, feelings, needs and requests; and giving yourself empathy. Used individually or together, these options can help you and your son connect and address both your needs.

Empathy for your son

Empathy for another person opens the door to deep understanding and connection. When your son pushes his food away or says “No” to the food, try not to change his actions. Focus, instead, on how your son might be feeling and on what needs he’s trying to meet. Start by guessing to yourself: Is he saying no to the food because he’s trying to meet his need for pleasure—i.e., he doesn’t like the food? Is he distracted by other things and so wants to meet a need to focus on what’s interesting to him? Is he annoyed because he needs autonomy—to choose what and when to eat? Is he confused because he needs trust in his ability to "hear his body"—perhaps he is not hungry?

Having connected mentally with your son’s needs, consider asking him to see if any of these ring true. For example: “Are you frustrated because you want food you enjoy more?” “Are you distracted? You want to focus on your play?” “Are you annoyed because you want to choose when to eat?” You can simplify the language if you want—but keep in mind that most toddlers understand more than they can speak, and that by including feelings and needs in your vocabulary, you are teaching your son emotional literacy. And even if your son doesn’t reply, you may notice that your tone of voice and body language have relaxed simply because you have connected with his needs—and that a potential power struggle has been defused. Then you can go on to the next step—determining if there are strategies that could meet both your needs.

In giving empathy, it’s important that our goal not be to get our child to do what we want. It is a matter of letting go our own agenda, without giving up on our underlying needs. Consider what, if anything, you’d be willing to do differently to increase the likelihood of meeting your son’s needs. Integrating our child’s needs into our strategies could include changing the daily menu, offering food somewhere in the house where your son can eat as he plays, creating playful, colorful food together and eating it while you’re crafting it, and many more. The strategy doesn’t matter as much as being attuned to both your own and your child’s needs. By attending to your child’s underlying needs you would also be attending to yours. There is ultimately no conflict between your needs—you just have different strategies and priorities at that moment.

Expressing Yourself

I take a “No” from my son as a reminder to make connection with him a priority. Sometimes this means focusing on understanding his needs, but other times it means paying close attention to how I’m expressing mine. I often discover that I have asked him to do something without talking about what needs of mine I’m hoping to meet and how I’m feeling. I just get locked into repeatedly demanding that he do what I want! Yet my experience shows that people are more open to considering one another when they understand each other’s underlying feelings and needs. [Needs in NVC refer to what is most common and deep for human beings—our longings, aspirations, and hopes about life. For a list of feelings and needs see www.cnvc.org.]

So when your son won’t eat, you might say: "When I see you pushing the food on the table and not putting it in your mouth, I’m worried because I’d like to help your body be strong and healthy. Would you be willing to eat what’s on your plate?" The trick here is that, since most human beings have a huge need for autonomy—especially when we fear our need for autonomy won’t be met—it’s most likely that your son will say no! This is precisely the reason that I wouldn’t want to force him. I believe that the more children hear demands, the less they want to do what we ask. The result is that we both miss the joy of cooperation and mutual consideration. Therefore, what you do with the "no" is pivotal to building trust between you about your willingness to embrace both your needs and his. You may choose to empathize with your son, or you may choose to express your own feelings and needs again. This time you might say: “I feel frustrated because I need more ease and cooperation around meal times,” or “I feel confused and I’d like to understand what you would like now.”

Each expression in NVC ends with a request that usually begins, “Would you be willing to….?” By asking for a reply you can continue the flow of dialogue about a problem. Yet I find that often, parents repeat the same request no matter what feelings and needs they express! That tells me that we are still very intent on getting the child to do exactly what we want them to do. The child will sense that and object more strenuously. So another helpful focus for dealing with “no” is to pay attention to the kinds of requests you’re making. Take notice of what you’re saying once again: are you repeating the request to eat? Then likely he hears this as a demand. See if you can identify anything else that would also help meet your needs and ask for that. For example, you might ask him if he’d be willing to tell you when he’d like to eat—he might say five minutes. Then you set a timer, and in five minutes you’ve met his need for choice and he’ll likely sit down to eat in good spirits.

Self-empathy

Self-empathy in NVC means checking in with your own feelings and needs. This may seem odd at first, but I, and other NVC practitioners, have found it profoundly effective at increasing self-connection and peace of mind. Just taking a minute before reacting can turn out to reduce anger and save you from a power struggle!

In your case, self-empathy may sound something like this: "Wow, I’m feeling so stressed out! I want to be more relaxed. Plus I’m worried because I need confidence that he’s getting the nutrition his body needs. And I’m so frustrated because I’d like cooperation around caring for his health. I’m also troubled because I need to understand what’s going on for him—I really have no idea!" Once we inquire with our hearts about our needs, we often discover a multitude of needs and may feel overwhelmed. I believe this is temporary and that our sense of self-connection and clarity about our needs increases with time, making self-empathy a quick and satisfying process. At that point, we can experience relief from stress, tension and anger even without changing anything about our children’s behavior! This in turn gives us greater freedom to work with them to meet both our needs rather than attempting to force a change.

Having gotten clearer about your needs, you can consider what you’d like to do. Each of your needs might be fulfilled through a variety of different strategies. Would you want to empathize with your son to try to understand what’s going on for him? Express your feelings, needs and requests to him? Consult with your son’s physician about whether to worry about how much he’s eating? Talk with your partner or friends about it? Read a book about toddlers and eating? Give him more choice about what to eat? Play together with his food? Or perhaps something else? Again, strategies that come from understanding your needs are more likely to meet those needs.

Self-empathy is often crucial because it helps us release our insistence that our child do what we want. Then, whether we choose to express our own feelings and needs or empathize with our child’s, we are more likely to contribute to connection. Furthermore, through self-empathy we offer ourselves the gift of understanding and connection that we lack so sorely in our daily lives—a welcome, nurturing moment in which we get to meet our own needs.

Conflicts with children are often very challenging for parents for complex reasons, ranging from our own childhood experiences to the stresses of daily life. The level of challenge leads us to want to take quick action to resolve the situation. Yet I believe parenting is not about quick fixes that get our kids to do what we want. I believe it is about working with our own and our children’s needs and staying in touch with the long-term view. We are in a life-long relationship, and by focusing on connection and on meeting everyone’s needs, we build mutual trust and nurture our collective ability to thrive as a family.

© 2002 by Inbal Kashtan

For reprint information contact:
inbal@baynvc.org • 510-530-5165 • 55 Santa Clara Ave # 203, Oakland CA 94610

Inbal Kashtan

Inbal Kashtan, certified CNVC trainer, is co-founder of BayNVC and the Parenting Project Coordinator for the Center for Nonviolent Communication. Inbal teaches parenting workshops and classes and speaks at parenting-related conferences around the country, in addition to co-leading BayNVC's leadership program and other NVC workshops and retreats. She is the author of Parenting from Your Heart: Sharing the Gifts of Compassion, Connection, and Choice, and has had articles published in parenting publications around the country, including in Mothering.

Inbal's passion for sharing NVC with parents stems from her vision of a cascade of personal and social transformation that begins with a change in parenting practices. Her greatest teacher for the past several years has been her son, who has been mentoring her on what it means to live nonviolently.

Inbal also has ongoing interest in supporting the development of current and future NVC leaders, and in the application of NVC in other social change arenas. She holds a master's degree in Jewish studies from the Graduate Theological Union.