Connecting with Loving Rituals

by Rebecca Thompson, M.S.

November really starts the holiday season for many families with thoughts turning to food and family gatherings. What comes to mind for you when you think of this time of the year? Stress? Okay, think back a little more. What comes to mind now? What about the smells of the holidays? Immediately, I can almost smell the sweet potatoes baking in the oven, covered with brown sugar and marshmallows. The turkey is sitting on the counter, “resting” (which I never really understood…), while I eyed the homemade pies on the serving table. It almost sounds utopian, doesn’t it? For me, Thanksgiving was probably the most regulated holiday (or any day, for that matter) of the year, at least that’s the way I choose to remember it. My mom, who hated to cook, stayed out of the kitchen, and my dad, who seemingly enjoyed it, stepped in. My brothers were not fighting with each other because they were too busy eating the cookies they’d taken from the kitchen. I was really in awe of the power of just thinking about a smell to conjure up such memories for me. Of all the senses, smell has the fewest synapses to reach the brain. That’s why a smell can pull up positive or negative memories so readily.

So, I found it fitting that November, the start of the holiday season, was also National Adoption Month. What do the holidays have to do with adoption, you ask? The holidays are such an opportunity to create anew and celebrate the old, which would so apply to adoptive families. It is an opportunity to acknowledge the creation of a new family, as well as acknowledge the road that brought everyone to this point. Rituals can create connection in a family and the holidays are a wonderful time to consider adding something simple that says how much you love your child.

One family, before they began the Thanksgiving dinner, would tell the story of how their adopted daughter came to join the family, highlighting how much they had anticipated when she would finally come home to them. Another family lit a candle to remember their son’s birth mother who had given him life and another candle to celebrate the new family that was created.

What about children who were adopted Internationally? What cultural traditions did they leave behind? Do they know anything about their country of origin? What foods would their mother have likely eaten during her pregnancy? What holidays are celebrated and what are the foods associated with those holidays? If you child is old enough to understand, this year might be a great opportunity to connect with your child’s cultural history. If your child is elementary aged or older, you might consider doing some research together to learn more, then add something to your celebrations to acknowledge it.

The same is true for a child even adopted from another region of the same country. What can you learn about where the child came from? What foods are commonly eaten? Are there any interesting festivals or celebrations there? Help your child connect with her beginnings and figure out what can be incorporated into your own family to represent this part of her past.

Regardless of where your child came from, just like birthdays may stir up some feelings, holidays may do the same. Your child may be thinking about her birth parents during this time of the year, especially if she has conscious memories of them. Some families may add a short blessing during the prayer time remembering birth parents or simply lighting a candle during a special meal. Talk to your child about it and decide what would work best for your family.

At the same time, there is an opportunity for great celebration because your child found their way home to you! What special event could you plan or what small thing do you want to do in observation of this special time of year? It is very helpful for parents to talk about how many other children have also been adopted- enough that there is an entire month dedicated to it! Find stories written about adopted children and share them with your child- even teens! Write down the story of how they came to you for them and make your own book with or for them. What a meaningful holiday gift that could be!

Just as rituals can be an important addition for special meals, they can be a welcome addition to the entire year for daily family meals and other activities to help children find comfort in the familiar rhythms of life. And that’s really important for all families. Children need predictability to feel safe and that is especially true of adopted children. Rituals can help create that sense of predictability and safety for everyone.

Rituals can be an important part of every day life. Many families have morning rituals, such as singing a song to start the day, or gathering for a short prayer time together. Others have other predictable rituals regarding meal times, bed times and other transitional times to help things go more smoothly.

Following are some thoughts to get you started thinking about how to incorporate rituals into your family life.

• Identify an area of family life where you’d like to create more connection, such as a transitional time.


• Include your child in the discussion about rituals. They may have some great ideas. There are no wrong ways to create connection!


• Make sure your child has an important role in the ritual somehow. If appropriate, allow the child to light the candle, or perhaps blowing out the candle at the end. Make up a poem with your child about how much you love her and take turns reading lines. Remember, this is about connection.


• Decide together how often you are going to use the ritual. Is this at every dinner, or only once or twice a year for special occasions?

Morning Greeting Ideas

Morning has come.
Night is away.
Rise with the sun.
Welcome the day!

By Elisabeth Lebret


Good Morning, dear earth; Good morning, dear sun!
Good morning dear stones and flowers every one!
Good morning dear busy bees and birds in the trees!
Good morning to you and good morning to me!

(Unknown)

Weekly Rhythms

Here is a traditional verse. I share it as an idea that creating patterns of expectation for each day makes the world less scary. Create your own!

Wash on Monday
Iron on Tuesday
Mend on Wednesday
Churn on Thursday
Clean on Friday
Bake on Saturday
Rest on Sunday

Resources:

I Love You Rituals by Becky Bailey

From Beginning to End: The Rituals of Our Lives by Robert Fulghum

You are Your Child’s First Teacher by Rahima Baldwin Dancy

The Children’s Year by Stephanie cooper, Christine Fynes-Clinton and Marye Rowling has ideas for seasonal craft ideas to both create connection with each other and with the seasons of the year.

Originally published in the BCI Parent Enrichment Journal

Rebecca Thompson

Rebecca Thompson, M.S., is the founder of The Consciously Parenting Project. Rebecca has been actively educating parents and facilitating parent groups and workshops that encourage conscious decision-making in family life since 1998. As a wife and the mother of two boys, she has personal as well as professional experience navigating the terrain of parenting. She holds a Bachelor’s degree in Education and a Masters degree in Marriage and Family Therapy, with specialized training in attachment and trauma.
Click here to read her blog.