Optimal Eating Patterns

by Rebecca Thompson, M.S.

In order to fully address the needs of our children, it is helpful to gain an understanding of what “normal,” healthy, ideal development looks like. Since most of us have never seen this, it can be difficult to create in our own families. With this understanding, we can address the unmet needs of our children and visualize the steps we need to take to affect positive change in our lives and the lives of our children.

In the course of normal, ideal development, the mother and baby form a unique dyad from birth- a system in which the baby’s needs are met as they are expressed. It is through this process that the baby learns how she feels and learns how to interpret her own bodily cues. As an observer, you would see something like this: Baby starts moving around, perhaps sucking on her own fingers or hands. Mom sees these are early signs of hunger, so mom, who has ideally been carrying baby anyway using a sling or other soft carrier, nurses the baby within a few seconds of this notification (breastfeeding, of course, as this is nature’s design). The baby never makes it to a state of distress (crying) because mom has recognized baby’s early cues. The baby takes in exactly what she needs, regulating the intake of breastmilk according to what her own body is telling her, which means the baby may nurse at seemingly irregular intervals for varying lengths of time. As long as the parent respects the baby’s cues (not falling into fear and controlling baby’s intake and access to food according to prescheduled times), this child will stay in touch with this connection to self as she grows.

Incidentally, breastmilk, being the perfect food for an infant, also gives the child the experience of having her nutritional needs met. This imprints on a cellular level. As she grows, she can keep this understanding of what it feels like to feel good, knowing that if she eats nutritious foods, she will feel good. If she eats a whole package of cookies, she will feel bad and probably not do this again. My 3 year old, who has had these early needs met, has been known to stop eating mid-cookie because his body says it has had enough! And incredibly, he listens!

Fast forward three years, during which time those early cues have been continuously recognized, and you would be looking at a child who is able to regulate her own body’s food intake. You would be looking at a child who knows when she is hungry or thirsty (or full) and is able to express those needs to a responsible caregiver, or take care of them for herself! Intake isn’t necessarily balanced by the meal or even by the day, as any attuned Pediatrician will tell you, but over the course of a week or so. Because of these factors, you would be looking at a child who is close to an ideal weight for her height. Far more common in our society in general, unfortunately, is that our children have lost touch with their own bodily needs. This helps explain in part the reason why many children (and adults) are overweight or have eating disorders in our western culture- they simply have lost touch with themselves and their own needs.

Another thing to keep in mind is that healthy infants and young children usually graze or eat small meals throughout the day, rather than three large meals at somewhat regular intervals. Observing more primitive peoples, we find that the infants and young children are carried and nurse for just a few minutes at a time as frequently as every 15 minutes. Does that mean we need to do this with our children? Not necessarily, but it gives us a glimpse of what is closer to biologically normal for humans. Small, frequent meals consisting of healthy foods will result in a child who is growing and developing optimally.

For our children who have trauma histories, chances are that, as a baby, the needs were not ideally met as described above, leaving us with a child who refuses to eat, who hoards food, who is a picky eater, or eats too much- in short, someone not in touch with her own bodily needs. While these behaviors are present in many children, both with and without trauma histories, they can be a bit more extreme in a child with a trauma history. So, what’s a parent to do?

The first place to start is with your own fears about your child’s eating habits. What does this do to you when your child refuses to eat or refuses to stop eating or hides food in her room? What are you afraid will happen? Are you in touch with your own body? Take a look at the rules around food when you were growing up. Do you believe that plates need to be cleaned? Were you rewarded with desserts? Addressing your own issues from the past allows you to stay in the present with your child- to meet your child where she is in this moment.

Next, realize that your primary job is to create an environment in which your child feels safe. It is not your responsibility to force your child to eat or bring a dynamic of control into mealtime. It is your responsibility to provide healthy, compelling food choices, to model healthy eating habits, and to help your child connect with her own inner guidance, much like the ideal example above. When we are focused only on the behavior, in this case, eating, we miss the opportunities to connect with our child. By watching for your child’s early cues of hunger and providing opportunities to eat before it turns into dysregulation, you are doing your job. Take responsibility for your child and be the attuned, responsible caregiver that your child didn’t have as a young child. Take responsibility and say that you’re sorry for not being able to provide her what she needed then.

Provide rhythm, or attuned structure, to your child’s meals and snacks. When a child hoards food, we understand that this child is scared that there will be no more food, which has undoubtedly happened in the past. By creating a calendar with the meals you will be serving (or better yet, preparing together) that is clearly visible, your child has a visual reminder of what to expect. Some families have a pizza night every Friday night and every effort is made to keep this consistent. Maybe you grew up with meatloaf Monday and fish on Friday. If you want to incorporate eating out, put that on the calendar as well. As the parent now, you have the power to create your own family’s mealtime rhythms. What do you want it to be like? What would you have liked it to be like growing up? What DID work well in your own family of origin? And what do your kids want mealtime to be like? Be sure to ask them!

Always have healthy foods available and accessible. Returning to the idea that feeling good after eating good foods may not have been an experience your child has had, the more opportunities your child has to eat nutritious foods, the more this will be imprinted on a cellular level and their eating habits will shift. I have baskets with fruit sitting on the counter, so that my children can take what they need when they need it. I seldom regulate this intake at all, knowing that my children will take what they need. Occasionally, this means that my counter is filled with 6 open bananas, all with one bite taken out of them, but I simply smile, knowing that our relationship is far more important than a few uneaten bananas. (As an aside, my children LOVE frozen bananas for a treat, so I peel them and put them in a zip-lock bag in the freezer and they’ll enjoy them the next week in a new form, or I’ll use them in smoothies.)

Loving guidance and influence, attunement, structure and rhythm, along with accessibility of healthy foods are all important factors in creating those experiences to help your child develop life-long healthy eating habits. Understanding what would have been ideal eating patterns for your child in infancy/ toddlerhood can help you to recreate what your child missed and move everyone in a positive direction toward a healthier family.

Healthy eating!

Resources:

The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding: Seventh Revised Edition (La Leche League International Book) by La Leche League International

The Continuum Concept: In Search of Happiness Lost (Classics in Human Development) by Jean Liedloff

Sears, William (1998) The Family Nutrition Book

Here’s a fun and healthy summertime snack you can make with your kids:

Homemade Strawberry-Banana Popsicles

1 banana with brown spots (naturally sweeter, which reduces the need to add additional sugar)

8 oz package of fresh strawberries (or other favorite in-season fruit)

Puree in blender. Taste the puree (and let your kids taste it, too!). Fruit varies in sweetness, so assure success and make sure it doesn’t need a sweetener. If it needs additional sweetener, add another banana or similar sweet fruit. Or add a splash of fruit juice. When everyone is satisfied with the taste, pour into plastic popsicle molds (or a paper Dixie cup with a popsicle stick held in place with foil or saran wrap) and freeze overnight.

We’ve used numerous combinations, like mango-strawberry-banana or banana blueberry. Experiment and see what your family likes best!

Originally published in the BCI Parent Enrichment Journal

Rebecca Thompson

Rebecca Thompson, M.S., is the founder of The Consciously Parenting Project. Rebecca has been actively educating parents and facilitating parent groups and workshops that encourage conscious decision-making in family life since 1998. As a wife and the mother of two boys, she has personal as well as professional experience navigating the terrain of parenting. She holds a Bachelor’s degree in Education and a Masters degree in Marriage and Family Therapy, with specialized training in attachment and trauma.
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