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Taking Care
of Yourself
I was having
“one of those days.” Or maybe, it seemed, it was one of those
weeks or one of those months… you know where nothing really goes
the way you’d hoped and you long for the time when you had any
extra space in your window of tolerance, if you can remember
such a time at all? When the schedule you had planned has
crumbled into nonexistence because it is now noon and you’re
still in pajamas because everyone is, to put it nicely, too
dysregulated for you to slip away to get dressed? Yes, I know
we’ve all been there.
I look at the
clock and it is already after noon. What have I had to eat
today? I have been so busy trying to keep the family running,
concentrating on the kids and keeping things moving forward,
that I haven’t paid any attention to my own needs. Now that I
finally have a “calm” moment (read no one is throwing anything
at me or at each other at this time), I remember how important
it is for me to take good care of myself so that I can take good
care of my family. Regulation starts with me and I can’t be
regulated if I am not taking care of myself. What do I need?
Food. I need
to eat something. What do I have to eat since I haven’t made it
to the store like I planned for today? My husband made oatmeal
raisin cookies the other night and they are temptingly sitting
within reach on top of the refrigerator. I could eat one of
those. No, that wouldn’t help me. I need to eat something
healthy. I know that when people are stressed, seeking
something sweet is one way to try to regulate. In moments of
rational thinking, it would be clear that what I really need is
connection with a person, not with a satisfyingly sweet
oatmeal-raisin cookie. I remember Heather saying that an apple
would be a better choice, so I reach into the fridge to find one
last apple. While I’m there, I also grab one of those cookies
and then a glass of milk. Milk is supposed to be good for me,
isn’t it? Perhaps not, but I’m too dysregulated to really
care.
After I had
eaten the apple (after the cookie with milk) and now that I had
a little bit more rational thought going on that was somewhat
connected to my short-term memory, I remembered that I had some
meals frozen for just such an occasion. In the freezer, I found
a bag with a single serving of tamale pie that my friend and I
had made together a few months ago. I thought of her visit and
of the care she put into making the food for me. I pulled it
out and popped it into the toaster oven. The kids were doing
okay for the moment, so I decided I would also pick up the phone
and connect with her while my food was baking.
Taking care of
my physical need for food and of my emotional and social needs
for connection helped me to regain my balance and find a bit of
regulation for myself, so that I could be more available for my
kids to help them regulate.
What do we know
about the effect of stress on our bodies, especially stress over
a long period of time like many of us experience caring for our
children with trauma histories? What can we do when we are
living in a high level of stress day after day to support our
mind/body health? How can we best take care of ourselves so
that we are truly available to take care of our families? Below
are some suggestions for things to consider to help reduce the
stress load on your body. While you may not be able to
eliminate the major stressors at this time, there are many
things you can do and simply moving in a positive, proactive
direction can make all the difference.
Eliminate unnecessary tasks from your schedule.
Take a good look at how you are spending your time. Is there
anything you can delegate? Can a neighbor pick up the kids from
school twice a week? Can your spouse stop at the grocery store
on the way home? Double your recipes or cook with a friend.
Just making one or two simple schedule changes can reduce the
amount of stress you feel on a weekly basis, especially if they
are tasks you do not enjoy. Be creative!
Connect with others. We all need to
connect with others to be healthy, happy individuals.
Especially raising children with trauma histories, we need to
make sure that we have people who care about us and will listen
to our frustrations. Create your own community of support or
take advantage of those already existing, whether an on-line
community like Heather’s Daily Reflections or an in person
support group, like the Parent Support Groups listed on
www.beyondconsequences.com. If
there isn’t one in your area, then consider starting your own
parent support group!
Consider a massage, yoga, Tai Chi, or meditation.
Each offers stress relief in different ways; choose depending
upon your individual level of physical health and personal
interest.
Exercise, preferably with someone else.
The companionship of exercising with someone else, especially
for women, doubles the benefits of reducing stress by releasing
mood enhancing endorphins through exercise and by releasing
oxytocin by connecting through conversation and feeling
understood. Another benefit of talking your neighbor into a
daily walk!
Know
that stress depletes B vitamins.
Eating whole foods high in B vitamins such as oats, barley,
wheat bran, avocado, salmon, and Brazil nuts, helps to increase
the levels of B vitamins and return your body to balance.
Eliminate caffeine. Caffeine
increases the workload on an already overloaded nervous system.
Watch for caffeine in sodas, teas (even herbal teas), and
chocolate. (WHAT?! Are you suggesting no chocolate???) As an
alternative, consider trying carob. The slightly sweet powder is
relatively low in calories, and is thought to be a good source
of potassium. Carob does not contain cholesterol, caffeine,
theobromine, and oxalic acid, as chocolate does. Its natural
sweetness also reduces the need for big doses of additional
refined sweeteners, as are found in most products made from
naturally-bitter chocolate. Low-fat, low-sodium, high-fiber,
calcium-rich carob is made from the pods of carob trees (Ceratonia
siliqua).
Keep
sugar limited to natural sweeteners found in whole foods.
Yes, reach for that apple, whole orange, or consider trying some
of the raw foods desserts, which use whole dates and other
naturally sweet fruits to sweeten. We made a raw apple pie
using only nuts, dates, apples and spices and it was fabulous!
My son keeps asking when we’re going to make it again! The only
additional equipment we needed was a blender. There are
numerous websites with free recipes readily available on your
favorite internet search engine.
Consider juicing. Especially if you
aren’t used to eating whole raw foods, a great way to get the
benefits of foods you might not normally eat is to begin
juicing. There are inexpensive juicers available at your local
X-mart store, all the way up to juicers that are several hundred
dollars. Start with an inexpensive one and see if it is
something that works for you. Many times, if you haven’t been
eating many whole raw foods, your body may not be able to
adequately digest it. By eliminating the large quantities of
fiber as you get started and then slowly adding more back into
the juice, you’ll benefit from the increase of fruits and
vegetables while giving your body time to adjust.
Consider taking a good whole-foods multivitamin.
You’ll need to go visit a good health food store to find
vitamins that are actually whole-foods based. Find the
specialist for that area of the store and ask lots of
questions. There are vitamins in many price ranges and
definitely worth the investment if you are under a great deal of
stress at this time of your life. This in no way replaces
eating well, but can help make up the extra vitamins your body
needs when under more stress than you thought was humanly
possible.
Do
something you enjoy and find meaningful.
Perhaps you’ve always wanted to spend time gardening or would
love to learn how to scrapbook. When you can do something you
love, your thoughts become more positive and it makes it much
easier to tolerate more stress at other times. It is a simple
way of increasing your window of tolerance. Simple, though not
always easy.
As I sweep the
cookie crumbs out of my computer keyboard, I remind myself that
I’m not always going to do it perfectly, especially when I’m
under stress and dysregulated. But by focusing on my own needs
first, I am able to find some peace and regulation and that will
benefit my whole family.
Lianne’s
Tamale Pie
Filling:
2 T
butter
1/2 c onion
1/3 green
pepper
1 can black
beans, rinsed and drained
1 can tomato
sauce (14 oz)
1 t chili
powder
1/2 t oregano
1/2 t cumin
Crust:
1 c cornmeal
2 t sugar
1/2 t salt
1/2 t pepper
1 egg, beaten
1/3 c milk
2 T melted
butter
1 10 oz pkg
corn, thawed
Saute onions,
green pepper, and garlic in butter until tender (approx. 10
minutes). Add beans, tomato sauce and seasoning. Mix
cornbread. Put in bottom of greased pie plate, pour in filling
and bake 20 min at 350*
Sprinkle with
cheese, if desired. If freezing, omit this step.
Bake 5 min more
to melt cheese. Remove from oven and let stand 5 minutes before
cutting.
Eat now or cut
into individual portions and freeze in zipper top bags. (I put
each serving into its own sandwich size bag, then nestle those
into a freezer gallon bag.) Pull out of freezer and put into
toaster oven on 350* for approximately 30 minutes or until warm
throughout. Top with cheese or salsa, if desired.
15-Minute Stress
Relievers
Here are some
things you can do in 15 minutes that will allow you to catch
your breath and move toward regulation:
Go out in nature
Listen to
soothing music
Listen to
Heather’s Affirmation CD
Take a walk
Go to a park
Take a bath
Call a friend
Play with clay
or play-dough
Read a poem
Have a cup of
tea
Lie in the
hammock
Look at the
clouds
Sit by the fire
Sit by the
window
Lie in the grass
Lie on the floor
Water the plants
Give yourself a
facial
Read the
headlines
Sing a song
Dance around the living room
Journal
Finger paint
Read Daily Reflections
Just sit and BREATHE
Resources:
Juicing information:
http://www.mercola.com
Stress information:
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/stress/SR99999
Consider purchasing your own copy of Heather’s
Daily Reflections or the Affirmation CDs, if you haven’t
already. Many parents find these to be useful in returning to a
state of calm.
Click here for the Beyond Consequences Store
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